I pull in one last drag of my Marlboro and drop it to the pavement. Taking a deep breath, I look up at the sign on the door in front of me.
Im terrified! Plz let this be nothing!
The text I send to Kara is short and desperate. Finally I somehow find the courage to push open the door and step inside. There's a woman sitting in front of me, probably in her 50's, dark hair and a friendly face, I remind myself to keep breathing and my pounding heartbeat slows a little.
"Hi, what can I help you with?" She looks up from paperwork.
"I-I." I'm stuttering. I exhale and it comes out in a long shaky sigh. She smiles at me and I feel a little more confident. "I'm - I'm afraid that I'm pregnant!" The words rush out of me.
"So how do you want us to help you?" She asks kindly.
"My friend said you do free pregnancy testing." I explain.
"Yes we do, can I have your name? I'll let the nurse know your situation and she'll be with you in a few minutes, go ahead and sit down in there."
I'm shaking. I walk nervously into the tiny waiting room adjoining the entryway. There are people! two guys must be waiting on girlfriends, they both look young, two other teenage girls are waiting their turns. of the maybe dozen seats, it seems like over half them are filled.
Great! I think to myself, I bet they heard. The others look nervous too. I'm obviously not the only one who's world this kind of news would shake.
My phone beeps. I look around, signs on the wall ask for phones to be shut off, but at least two others are using them so I pull mine out,
U at Planned Parenthood?
I told Kara about the positive pregnancy test I took two days ago and she recommended I confirm all doubts by coming here. She had just been here in the past two weeks with her boyfriend. They weren't keeping the baby though. When I first heard, it killed me, but now that I was in the same shoes, I was terrified and the thought had crossed my mind a hundred times.
Yeah waiting for the nurse.
I text back.
Is Ronnie with u?
I think about him and tears burn my eyes.
Hell no hes not! I havent even told him that i thought i was pregnant yet!
Really? U gonna tell him?
Idk yet. Im trying to decide if im even gonna keep it.
"Kylah?" a woman in her 30's with a chin length highlighted blond shag cut appears in the door of the waiting room, I take in her pink scrubs and pretty face.
"This way." she leads me to a room down the hall with a 3 on the door. "So what is going on?" she asks me.
"I took a pregnancy two days ago 'cause I'm like 3 weeks late for me period and it was positive." I lay it all out.
"How have you been feeling lately?" She wonders.
"Good, other than some headaches and I've been more tired and emotional than usual, but I just assumed that was because I was gonna have my period anytime." I explain. She nods.
"We'll do a quick test and let you know the results."
"Ok." She shows me to a bathroom, asks me to pee into a little plastic cup and put it into something in the wall. I do as I'm told, pulling the little silver knob I carefully set the half filled cup on the paper towel in the little metal compartment then wash my hands and go back to room #3 like she said. Five agonizing minutes pass before the nurse returns.
"You're pregnant." she says simply. "Would you like to talk about options?" I shake my head. She asks me some questions and gives me an approximate due date.
"I need to go, my boyfriend is meeting me in 15 minutes." I say as I stand.
"I can't tell you what to do but you need to take care of yourself, get regular check ups and decide what you're going to do with the baby." The nurse says kindly, she pulls a few brochures from a holder on the wall and presses them into my hand, then as if as an after thought, she pulls me into a quick hug.
"You need to sign some things before you leave, go ahead and take a seat by the desks over there. She points down the hallway and I walk numbly towards the front desks. I don't hardly know what I'm signing. Tears are blinding me and I just want to get out! Finally it's over. I push open the door and stumble onto the pavement. I search my pockets for my cigarettes and lighter. It's calming but I'm still a nervous wreck. I can't stop the tears and I have to meet Ronnie. He's coming to the gas station across the street to pick me up since it's right next to my house anyways. I see his truck and I feel like hiding. Instead I wipe the tears and cross the street.
Now wht?
My text begs Kara for an answer.
I dnt knw if i should keep it or not.
I'm text bombing her inbox.
Kara! Help me!! Idk wht to do!
I've never been this scared in my life.
You gnna tell Ronnie? Now tht u knw for sure? Idk wht to tell u love. Believe me i knw wht ur going thru tho!
I cant tell Ronnie!
I force myself to smile. Ronnie's just coming out of the gas station, looks like he filled up his tank.
"What about the beach tonight?" he grins. I nod.
"Sounds good." He kisses me lightly and gives me a hand up into his truck. He's proud of his truck, fixed it up, gave it a new paint job over the chipping black paint, now it's sleek and shiny and the hottest truck in town.
"You okay baby?" he studies me and I smile again trying to reassure him.
"Yeah." The drive to the beach is quiet, it's empty, the sun is starting to set, he grabs a blanket from the back seat and lays it out for us. Watching the sunset together is one of my favorite things, usually we talk about everything we can think of to talk about. As the sun sinks lower and the wind picks up over the lake I start to shiver.
"Do you have a sweater in your truck?" I ask.
"Yeah I'll go get it for you." he offers.
"No, I wanna get it." I jump up and jog towards the parking lot. It's my favorite, his brown Ecko sweater. I pull it on and head back to Ronnie. When I get back, something feels wrong. I can't put my finger on it. All evening we've been quiet but now it's a distant quiet, like he's holding back from me, distancing himself. I reach for my phone wondering why Kara hasn't texted me back and realize that I have an opened message I didn't get to read, then it clicks, Ronnie looked through my messages. He knows. I feel like someone hit me. Stunned.
"When were you going to tell me?" He breaks the silence first.
"I wasn't." I answer softly.
"What were you going to do? Break up with me so I'd never find out? Get rid of it?" I can tell he's trying to stay calm.
"Yeah." my voice is so quiet I don't know if he heard me.
"You were going to get rid of it and never tell me?" His voice isn't angry it's just overflowing with hurt.
"Yeah." I manage to squeak out as I nod.
Silence.
"Babe, I was scared, I didn't know what to do, Ronnie! I'm terrified, I'm 17 Ronnie! Think about it! I didn't think you'd want me to keep it anyways. I thought you'd be mad, maybe leave me. I'm so scared Ronnie, I'm so scared!" I'm feeling hysterical right now. "Kara said I could make an appointment and go when she goes. I just thought it would be easier!" I sob. He pulls me into his arms and holds me so tightly I almost can't breath but I wrap my arms around him and hold onto him. An all the fear starts to seep out of me.
"Ky, you know how much I want a future and a family with you." Ronnie whispers gently against my hair. "Why would I ever leave you? We're in this together, it's my baby too and I want you to keep it." I look up at him my makeup running, my eyes red. He traces a tear.
"I don't want to keep it. I've already made up my mind." He silently kisses me.
It's 8 weeks before Kara and I can get into the abortion clinic, by then I'm 16 weeks, Kara is 19 weeks along. Ronnie's there for me even more than he's ever been before, catering to my needs. His patience seems unlimited with me. He hasn't once said another thing about me keeping me the baby, but in a thousand silent little ways he's begging me to keep it. He's promised to be there for me when I'm going through the abortion. I compare Ronnie to Kara's Tony and am reminded over and over how blessed I am.
"We're supposed to call and confirm the exact date and time about a week before the appointment." Kara tells me, "So we should probably call by this weekend." The days are slipping quickly by and there are 8 days left before we go.
"You scared at all Kylah?" She asks.
"No. I'm not thinking about it. Ronnie makes it so hard. He's been doing so much for me." I sigh. "I feel so torn, he wants this baby so badly. I'm just terrified. He's bought us a house, he told me he wants to get married after my birthday, that he wants to be with me forever. But I'm too scared to go through with the birth."
"I wish Tony was like that. I've heard nothing from Tony but, 'I can't wait for this baby to be gone!' I want the baby Kylah!" She's crying. I put my arms around her.
"I'm sorry!" I whisper.
"Kara!" I gasp over the phone,
"What?"
"They said no one put us down for an appointment and there's no possible way to get us in for another 8 weeks at least! By then we'll be over half way! Kara!"
"I know, I'm having the baby. Regardless of Tony. Maybe this is a sign Kylah." I can hear secret joy in her voice. I just feel sick and worried.
"What did Ronnie say?"
"He said the same thing as you, maybe this is a sign. I don't think so though! I just want rid of the baby!" Tears burn my eyes.
"Sleep on it Ky."
"Not like that does any good. I can't legally abort it after 24 weeks anyways." I say angrily.
"Why don't you want this baby? Is it just cuz you're set against it?"
"I'm scared. I don't know." I search for a reason and instead what I find shocks me into silence. Finally I whisper,
"I'm afraid because I want the baby so bad! I'm afraid I'll be a terrible mom, I'm afraid of my parents and what everyone else will say."
"Kylah! You're stronger than that! If there's even a little tiny bit of doubt, just the smallest amount of wanting the baby, you won't regret keeping it, you'll regret killing it someday but never regret keeping it."
"Ronnie, I need to tell you something." We're spending the evening together. It's been a week since I talked to Kara about the baby. Today I would have gotten rid of it.
"What love?"
"I need to get a job."
"You're 16 weeks pregnant Ky!" He exclaims.
"Ronnie, just listen, you're working hard to provide for me right now and everything I need, but if we have three people, two incomes would be better than one. I can work until the last month and we can save my income, after the baby it will come in handy." Ronnie's face has broken into the happiest smile I've seen on his face in a long time! He pulls me into a hug a lot like the one he gave me when he first found out about our baby and I squeeze him back.
"I love you!" he whispers. "And don't you worry about the money, I'm making enough, we'll just cut back on a few things and start saving it up, you focus on finishing high school so you'll be graduated in time for the baby."
I feel a peace that I haven't felt for a while and as I watch our tiny miracle grow over the next few months I find it hard to believe that I could have ever considered killing this.
My parents reaction shocks me as they support us and the baby. And when I go into labor 3 weeks early and a week after Kara's baby arrives I'm surrounded by loving people.
"Hey Kylah, how about a mother-daughter day out?" Kara laughs. I grin down at baby Jade and she smiles just the tiniest smile.
"Sounds fun, I haven't hardly been out since Jade was born and she's already 6 weeks!"
"Where do you want me to pick you up?"
"Wherever works best for you I guess."
"I'll be over in an hour."
"You been doing okay without Tony?" I ask as we're browsing the clothing racks at Vanity.
"Never been better. Mom and dad have been helping me out with babysitting while I work and take classes and when I can't get something I need they'll get it. It's been really good, mom and I are actually friends for the first time in probably 10 years, ever since I hit puberty at least."
"It's funny how a baby heals those connections isn't it? Even though we thought they wouldn't approve, I don't know if it's us or them that have changed. Either way, I'm glad that I kept Jade." I kiss her smooth baby skin and she squirms and smiles in her sleep. Kara nods and puts Lily's pacifier back in her mouth.
"Me too."
Im terrified! Plz let this be nothing!
The text I send to Kara is short and desperate. Finally I somehow find the courage to push open the door and step inside. There's a woman sitting in front of me, probably in her 50's, dark hair and a friendly face, I remind myself to keep breathing and my pounding heartbeat slows a little.
"Hi, what can I help you with?" She looks up from paperwork.
"I-I." I'm stuttering. I exhale and it comes out in a long shaky sigh. She smiles at me and I feel a little more confident. "I'm - I'm afraid that I'm pregnant!" The words rush out of me.
"So how do you want us to help you?" She asks kindly.
"My friend said you do free pregnancy testing." I explain.
"Yes we do, can I have your name? I'll let the nurse know your situation and she'll be with you in a few minutes, go ahead and sit down in there."
I'm shaking. I walk nervously into the tiny waiting room adjoining the entryway. There are people! two guys must be waiting on girlfriends, they both look young, two other teenage girls are waiting their turns. of the maybe dozen seats, it seems like over half them are filled.
Great! I think to myself, I bet they heard. The others look nervous too. I'm obviously not the only one who's world this kind of news would shake.
My phone beeps. I look around, signs on the wall ask for phones to be shut off, but at least two others are using them so I pull mine out,
U at Planned Parenthood?
I told Kara about the positive pregnancy test I took two days ago and she recommended I confirm all doubts by coming here. She had just been here in the past two weeks with her boyfriend. They weren't keeping the baby though. When I first heard, it killed me, but now that I was in the same shoes, I was terrified and the thought had crossed my mind a hundred times.
Yeah waiting for the nurse.
I text back.
Is Ronnie with u?
I think about him and tears burn my eyes.
Hell no hes not! I havent even told him that i thought i was pregnant yet!
Really? U gonna tell him?
Idk yet. Im trying to decide if im even gonna keep it.
"Kylah?" a woman in her 30's with a chin length highlighted blond shag cut appears in the door of the waiting room, I take in her pink scrubs and pretty face.
"This way." she leads me to a room down the hall with a 3 on the door. "So what is going on?" she asks me.
"I took a pregnancy two days ago 'cause I'm like 3 weeks late for me period and it was positive." I lay it all out.
"How have you been feeling lately?" She wonders.
"Good, other than some headaches and I've been more tired and emotional than usual, but I just assumed that was because I was gonna have my period anytime." I explain. She nods.
"We'll do a quick test and let you know the results."
"Ok." She shows me to a bathroom, asks me to pee into a little plastic cup and put it into something in the wall. I do as I'm told, pulling the little silver knob I carefully set the half filled cup on the paper towel in the little metal compartment then wash my hands and go back to room #3 like she said. Five agonizing minutes pass before the nurse returns.
"You're pregnant." she says simply. "Would you like to talk about options?" I shake my head. She asks me some questions and gives me an approximate due date.
"I need to go, my boyfriend is meeting me in 15 minutes." I say as I stand.
"I can't tell you what to do but you need to take care of yourself, get regular check ups and decide what you're going to do with the baby." The nurse says kindly, she pulls a few brochures from a holder on the wall and presses them into my hand, then as if as an after thought, she pulls me into a quick hug.
"You need to sign some things before you leave, go ahead and take a seat by the desks over there. She points down the hallway and I walk numbly towards the front desks. I don't hardly know what I'm signing. Tears are blinding me and I just want to get out! Finally it's over. I push open the door and stumble onto the pavement. I search my pockets for my cigarettes and lighter. It's calming but I'm still a nervous wreck. I can't stop the tears and I have to meet Ronnie. He's coming to the gas station across the street to pick me up since it's right next to my house anyways. I see his truck and I feel like hiding. Instead I wipe the tears and cross the street.
Now wht?
My text begs Kara for an answer.
I dnt knw if i should keep it or not.
I'm text bombing her inbox.
Kara! Help me!! Idk wht to do!
I've never been this scared in my life.
You gnna tell Ronnie? Now tht u knw for sure? Idk wht to tell u love. Believe me i knw wht ur going thru tho!
I cant tell Ronnie!
I force myself to smile. Ronnie's just coming out of the gas station, looks like he filled up his tank.
"What about the beach tonight?" he grins. I nod.
"Sounds good." He kisses me lightly and gives me a hand up into his truck. He's proud of his truck, fixed it up, gave it a new paint job over the chipping black paint, now it's sleek and shiny and the hottest truck in town.
"You okay baby?" he studies me and I smile again trying to reassure him.
"Yeah." The drive to the beach is quiet, it's empty, the sun is starting to set, he grabs a blanket from the back seat and lays it out for us. Watching the sunset together is one of my favorite things, usually we talk about everything we can think of to talk about. As the sun sinks lower and the wind picks up over the lake I start to shiver.
"Do you have a sweater in your truck?" I ask.
"Yeah I'll go get it for you." he offers.
"No, I wanna get it." I jump up and jog towards the parking lot. It's my favorite, his brown Ecko sweater. I pull it on and head back to Ronnie. When I get back, something feels wrong. I can't put my finger on it. All evening we've been quiet but now it's a distant quiet, like he's holding back from me, distancing himself. I reach for my phone wondering why Kara hasn't texted me back and realize that I have an opened message I didn't get to read, then it clicks, Ronnie looked through my messages. He knows. I feel like someone hit me. Stunned.
"When were you going to tell me?" He breaks the silence first.
"I wasn't." I answer softly.
"What were you going to do? Break up with me so I'd never find out? Get rid of it?" I can tell he's trying to stay calm.
"Yeah." my voice is so quiet I don't know if he heard me.
"You were going to get rid of it and never tell me?" His voice isn't angry it's just overflowing with hurt.
"Yeah." I manage to squeak out as I nod.
Silence.
"Babe, I was scared, I didn't know what to do, Ronnie! I'm terrified, I'm 17 Ronnie! Think about it! I didn't think you'd want me to keep it anyways. I thought you'd be mad, maybe leave me. I'm so scared Ronnie, I'm so scared!" I'm feeling hysterical right now. "Kara said I could make an appointment and go when she goes. I just thought it would be easier!" I sob. He pulls me into his arms and holds me so tightly I almost can't breath but I wrap my arms around him and hold onto him. An all the fear starts to seep out of me.
"Ky, you know how much I want a future and a family with you." Ronnie whispers gently against my hair. "Why would I ever leave you? We're in this together, it's my baby too and I want you to keep it." I look up at him my makeup running, my eyes red. He traces a tear.
"I don't want to keep it. I've already made up my mind." He silently kisses me.
It's 8 weeks before Kara and I can get into the abortion clinic, by then I'm 16 weeks, Kara is 19 weeks along. Ronnie's there for me even more than he's ever been before, catering to my needs. His patience seems unlimited with me. He hasn't once said another thing about me keeping me the baby, but in a thousand silent little ways he's begging me to keep it. He's promised to be there for me when I'm going through the abortion. I compare Ronnie to Kara's Tony and am reminded over and over how blessed I am.
"We're supposed to call and confirm the exact date and time about a week before the appointment." Kara tells me, "So we should probably call by this weekend." The days are slipping quickly by and there are 8 days left before we go.
"You scared at all Kylah?" She asks.
"No. I'm not thinking about it. Ronnie makes it so hard. He's been doing so much for me." I sigh. "I feel so torn, he wants this baby so badly. I'm just terrified. He's bought us a house, he told me he wants to get married after my birthday, that he wants to be with me forever. But I'm too scared to go through with the birth."
"I wish Tony was like that. I've heard nothing from Tony but, 'I can't wait for this baby to be gone!' I want the baby Kylah!" She's crying. I put my arms around her.
"I'm sorry!" I whisper.
"Kara!" I gasp over the phone,
"What?"
"They said no one put us down for an appointment and there's no possible way to get us in for another 8 weeks at least! By then we'll be over half way! Kara!"
"I know, I'm having the baby. Regardless of Tony. Maybe this is a sign Kylah." I can hear secret joy in her voice. I just feel sick and worried.
"What did Ronnie say?"
"He said the same thing as you, maybe this is a sign. I don't think so though! I just want rid of the baby!" Tears burn my eyes.
"Sleep on it Ky."
"Not like that does any good. I can't legally abort it after 24 weeks anyways." I say angrily.
"Why don't you want this baby? Is it just cuz you're set against it?"
"I'm scared. I don't know." I search for a reason and instead what I find shocks me into silence. Finally I whisper,
"I'm afraid because I want the baby so bad! I'm afraid I'll be a terrible mom, I'm afraid of my parents and what everyone else will say."
"Kylah! You're stronger than that! If there's even a little tiny bit of doubt, just the smallest amount of wanting the baby, you won't regret keeping it, you'll regret killing it someday but never regret keeping it."
"Ronnie, I need to tell you something." We're spending the evening together. It's been a week since I talked to Kara about the baby. Today I would have gotten rid of it.
"What love?"
"I need to get a job."
"You're 16 weeks pregnant Ky!" He exclaims.
"Ronnie, just listen, you're working hard to provide for me right now and everything I need, but if we have three people, two incomes would be better than one. I can work until the last month and we can save my income, after the baby it will come in handy." Ronnie's face has broken into the happiest smile I've seen on his face in a long time! He pulls me into a hug a lot like the one he gave me when he first found out about our baby and I squeeze him back.
"I love you!" he whispers. "And don't you worry about the money, I'm making enough, we'll just cut back on a few things and start saving it up, you focus on finishing high school so you'll be graduated in time for the baby."
I feel a peace that I haven't felt for a while and as I watch our tiny miracle grow over the next few months I find it hard to believe that I could have ever considered killing this.
My parents reaction shocks me as they support us and the baby. And when I go into labor 3 weeks early and a week after Kara's baby arrives I'm surrounded by loving people.
"Hey Kylah, how about a mother-daughter day out?" Kara laughs. I grin down at baby Jade and she smiles just the tiniest smile.
"Sounds fun, I haven't hardly been out since Jade was born and she's already 6 weeks!"
"Where do you want me to pick you up?"
"Wherever works best for you I guess."
"I'll be over in an hour."
"You been doing okay without Tony?" I ask as we're browsing the clothing racks at Vanity.
"Never been better. Mom and dad have been helping me out with babysitting while I work and take classes and when I can't get something I need they'll get it. It's been really good, mom and I are actually friends for the first time in probably 10 years, ever since I hit puberty at least."
"It's funny how a baby heals those connections isn't it? Even though we thought they wouldn't approve, I don't know if it's us or them that have changed. Either way, I'm glad that I kept Jade." I kiss her smooth baby skin and she squirms and smiles in her sleep. Kara nods and puts Lily's pacifier back in her mouth.
"Me too."
