I'm empty. I have nothing left. My pride is gone. Why does it always take me getting to this low point where I'm so broken and lost and at the end of myself before I realize the truth? I've pushed Him away, put Him off, left Him knocking a little too long, I'm desperate. "Okay God, I'm done fighting it. You can have my life!" tears are filling my eyes, I feel so hopeful! But I'm met with silence. Nothing. I'm just as lost and empty as I was before. I try to make it happen, try to feel those feelings that I think I should be feeling. I read my Bible, pray, journal, but it's not there.
I'm back to where I started. I know He's there, I just don't care anymore. I like my life just the way it is. But it's so empty. I'm so lost, so broken and I know it. But God wasn't there! I don't want to try again. I don't want to hear about it. He's supposed to fill that emptiness? Well than why didn't He do it?! I still talk to Him, I like our arrangement, I pray sometimes, He listens, no commitment. But I know deep down as I go through each day, there's still that fear of dying because I know where I'd go and I know where I want to go after this life. There's a fear of living, knowing that each new day He gives me, I'm wasting by following my own will.
People keep telling me that I'm lost and need Him. Finally I break down and tell her why. I'm so broken, I can't talk about it or hardly even think about it without sobbing. A few days later she shares the story in Song of Solomon, the woman who waited too long and missed her lover who came knocking on her door at night. She had to go and pursue him in the streets... lately I can't get the story out of my head.
It's a daily struggle... I want Him but I'm so stubborn and I want control of my own decisions, my own life. I hate commitment and I hate answering to anyone. But is it really worth living miserably free here only to spend eternity fettered and tortured by flames? Every second I hesitate is a second closer to eternity...there's no time to put it off. So why am I taking my time?
