Capital Punishment

My latest paper for English Comp. What do you guys think about this issue? Do you think there is a time for it? Is it biblical? Should we or should we not have the death penalty? Why?

The Capital Punishment Debate

  

    In 1971, Judy Buenoano known as  the “Black Widow” murdered her husband with arsenic and got away with it. Over the next years she commenced to murder a boyfriend, her 19 yr-old partially paralyzed son and attempted the murder of her second husband.  She never admitted that she had committed any of these murders nor was she in the least remorseful for the crimes.  She was put to death by electric chair on March 30, 1998 at the age of 54.

    The debate of capital punishment is a complicated one.  There’s the moral issue, do we have the right to take a life even if they have done so, is it our place to decide when their life is over? And what if an innocent person is put on death row, according to Amnesty International, since 1973, more than 130 people have been exonerated from death rows because of evidence that they were convicted wrongly. Another issue is the issue of expense; it is far more expensive to carry through with the death penalty than to sentence a criminal for life. Are we wasting money on capital punishment? People say that capital punishment ensures closure for families of victims but can revenge bring closure? Often people are angry and want that revenge on the person that hurt them or their loved ones so much, but in the end does revenge heal their aching hearts?

One last point of capital punishment is that it prevents crimes by holding such a severe punishment as a consequence.  Research shows that the states without the death penalty have lower crime rates so how well does it really work?.

    Is there really a good answer to the question:  is it right or wrong? When people commit such heinous crimes, like that of Judy Buenoano, do they deserve to be killed, or should we lock them up until their death? Ezekiel 33:11 says “...I [God] have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live…” (English Standard Version) Another verse on this topic is “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye or an eye and a tooth or a tooth.’ but I say to you, do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” (Matthew 5:38-39 ESV) Jesus’ teachings were to return good for evil.  Christina Clark writes in her article The Current: Death penalty continues to raise controversy, in the March 2013 issue of The Southend Weekly,  “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind…” (TSE 2013)  Clark then proceeds to summarize the trial of 17 year old TJ Lane who killed two students in a school shooting in 2012 at Chardon High School in Chardon, Ohio. Lane showed no remorse for the murder of his fellow students. Clark raises the question that in cases like this, when the crime committed is terrible enough and there is no visible chance to rehabilitate the offender, is the death penalty a good option? Clark leaves you with the question,   “In some cases is an eye for an eye what the world needs?” (TSE 2013)

    “...I am an innocent man-convicted of a crime I did not commit. I have been persecuted for 12 years for something I did not do…” were the dying words of an innocent man. Cameron Todd Willingham, convicted of setting fire to his home and murdering his three young daughters while their mother was gone.  He was put to death by lethal injection on February 17, 2004 in Texas. Years later he was found to be innocent. There are more cases like this. It is nearly impossible to avoid making these mistakes with capital punishment, when evidence is held back or witnesses are not accurate or honest. With over 1200 people on death row being put to death since 1976, how many of them were innocent?

    If we do not use the death penalty and instead lock these criminals up for life without parole, taxpayers are paying their hard earned money to feed, clothe and shelter maybe the very person that took the life of a loved one. Are we wasting money by giving these people life in jail? “According to a July 2012 analysis conducted by the Legislative Analysist Office, California taxpayers will save $130 million each year by replacing the death penalty with life in prison without possibility of parole.” (SAFE California) The amount spent on each of the 13 California executions since 1978 averages out to about $300 million, totaling in about 4 billion dollars in California alone, where cost to convict an individual for life without parole is between 200,000 and 300,000 dollars. (California Innocence Project) The total cost of the death penalty annually is roughly estimated to cost 232.7 million dollars whereas lifetime incarceration costs roughly $11.5 million. (Amnesty International) So taxpayers complaining about their taxes going to give murderers and rapists three hot meals a day, a warm place to sleep and free cable TV need to know that  it’s taking a lot less of their money to keep these criminals  locked up than to end their lives.

    When a mother loses her child to death at the hands of some mentally deranged person, can executing her child’s murderer really bring her closure and healing? Or a daughter brutally raped and killed, will that person’s death give her back her daughter? The point of punishment is to teach a lesson, what lesson is being learned by a person once dead?

    On November 1, 1987, Dawn Garvin was brutally murdered in her apartment. Steven Howard Oken, Garvin’s killer, had killed two other young women before Dawn. Her brother. Frank Romano’s words on the execution of Oken were these, “It won’t bring closure, Dawn will never be back. I’m not looking for closure. That’s a bad misconception on the part of some people. I want Oken to die for the murder of Dawn, Patricia Hurt and Lori Ward. It’s justice, it’s not revenge.” and his wife, Vicki Romano added, “Revenge would be going out and killing one of [the murderer’s] family members, the death penalty isn’t revenge. It’s the law.” (The Baltimore Sun) So maybe for the victim’s family it’s really not about revenge, or closure, as Frank and Vicki Romano said, it’s justice. Because killing the person who took away their loved one won’t right the wrong, it won’t give them back what they lost or give them closure, but it is justice. I can understand this but it seems that a life time in jail, dealing daily with the guilt and confinement would seem more just than their misery being ended.

    Why do some states still use capital punishment? One of the reasons used is that it prevents murder and other terrible crimes, but according to FBI data from 2008, states without the death penalty had at or below that of the national homicide rate. (Amnesty International) So the death penalty does not even lessen crime rates. If a person is going to commit a crime, if they hate someone, want money badly enough or are psychotic enough just to kill for the kicks, are they really going to think about the consequences if they do get caught? It’s very unlikely that they will.

    In the end, capital punishment may accomplish justice in most cases, but when it comes to cost effectiveness, preventing crime, and the innocence factor, capital punishment does not seem to be the best answer to the problem. Preventing crime starts with teaching morals; discipline and self control to our children. If we started doing this, maybe the need for jails and capital punishment would be less. I believe there are cases in which the death penalty should be used, as in a case like Judy Buenona’s or TJ Lane’s. In cases like these where there is no sign of repentance and no chance of rehabilitation for the criminal the death penalty may be appropriate. It’s easy to say, “Yes, kill them, they raped or murdered an innocent person”, but before we are so quick to judge, do we know the facts? Is capital punishment really the best and most effective way to control crime or is there perhaps a better way?

Works Cited

"The Death Penalty in the United States." The Death Penalty in the United States. The Clark County Prosecuting Attorney, n.d. Web. 18 Nov. 2013.

"What's New." Death Penalty Information Center. N.p., n.d. Web. 18 Nov. 2013.

Kane, Gregory. "To Murder Victims' Families, Executing Killers Is Justice." Baltimoresun.com. N.p., 05 Feb. 2003. Web. 18 Nov. 2013.

"Death Penalty Issues." California Innocence Project. N.p., n.d. Web. 19 Nov. 2013.

"Judias V. Buenoano #450." Judias V. Buenoano #450. N.p., n.d. Web. 18 Nov. 2013.

"No Credible Evidence on Whether Death Penalty Deters, Experts Say." - The Denver Post. N.p., n.d. Web. 19 Nov. 2013.

"Cameron Todd Willingham – Innocent and Executed." Cameron Todd Willingham Innocent and Executed RSS. N.p., n.d. Web. 19 Nov. 2013.

Clark, Christina. "The Current: Death Penalty Continues to Raise Controversy." The South End. N.p., 05 Apr. 13. Web. 18 Nov. 2013.

"Costs & Savings." SAFE California. N.p., n.d. Web. 19 Nov. 2013.

"5 Arguments For And Against The Death Penalty." Listverse. N.p., 01 June 2013. Web. 18 Nov. 2013.

"Know the Facts About Capital Punishment." Amnesty International. N.p., n.d. Web. 19 Nov. 2013.

"Cameron Todd Willingham: Wrongfully Convicted and Executed in Texas." The Innocence Project - Cameron Todd Willingham: Wrongfully Convicted and Executed in Texas. N.p., n.d. Web. 18 Nov. 2013.

The Miracle of Forgiveness

I don't know if I ever posted my original copy of this, 'The Choice'. I wrote The Choice probably 2010 and just pulled this out and rewrote it today. I feel like it still needs work but the next version may have to wait another three years. :) 

The Miracle of Forgiveness

Anna Lofgren
    “I hate him!” she sobbed. “He’s ruined my life and I can never forgive him!” the slight figure in front of the tiny, grimy, trailer house window looked haggard and old for her years. She stared aimlessly as dusk slowly enveloped the surrounding trailers. A dark figure was moving up the road towards her. For a moment she didn’t recognize him. She brushed a dark curl from her eyes and leaned closer, straining to recognize the features. It was him! It was Robin. She hadn’t been expecting him until dawn at least, as it was a Friday night and his usual habit was to stay out late with friends, drinking away the small paycheck he had earned during the week.

    She shivered and pulling the sleeves of her worn sweater over her hands she hugged herself against the cold. It was November and since they didn’t have the money to pay the bills the last few months their heat had been turned off. Her mind wandered back to that day, she had managed to convince Robin to give her a few dollars of his paycheck for groceries when he had stopped by after work to eat before meeting up with his drinking buddies for the weekend. As their town was a small one, everyone knew them and everyone looked down on her. When she had gone to the store, the clerk had hurried to ring up her items, speaking to her once to give Mercy her total and even then with averted eyes. People were ashamed to associate with them. Robin’s reputation affected hers, she had no social life and had never been so lonely as in the last year and a half of her marriage to her alcoholic and abusive husband. She longed for the months following their wedding back, those days when he’d loved and cherished her, provided for her and they had been happy.

    A hand on her shoulder jerked her back to the present. She turned and seeing her husband’s 6 ft standing over her, shrunk back. It was half way relieving to see him in so early, at least she wouldn’t have to go out and bring him home like she did many nights lately. But something was different tonight. He did not reek of alcohol tonight, something didn’t feel right.

    “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He stepped back awkwardly. “It’s just, well, there’s something I need to say to you.” she watched him warily, not answering him, not moving.     

    “Earlier, after I’d left you for the night, I stopped at those revival meetings in town with a guy from work. He’s been bugging me all week about going with him and I finally consented to get him off my back. Figured it’d be at least entertainment. But what I came away with wasn’t something to joke about. I came away a changed man. On the way home I passed the bar and the temptation for just one drink swept over me. I almost gave in but I remembered what the speaker had said about resisting temptation and I prayed. You know? God gave me the strength to continue on without stopping. He paused, “Mercy, I know that I’ve hurt you and I don’t know that it will ever be able to be fixed, but I’m so sorry and I’m begging for you to forgive me!” a tear slipped down Mercy’s cheek and Robin reached to wipe it away but she turned and retreated to her room, locking the door behind her. She sat down on their tiny bed and sobbed.

    As the weeks went by, Mercy grew more and more bitter. Now that Robin was determined to change, and had somehow got this whole ‘God thing’ going for himself, he had been working to gain back her respect and trust. This week he had come home straight from work every night. Friday he brought her roses then had prepared dinner with candles. She refused to accept the things that he did. She was sure he’d return to the same man he’d turned into before and she was frustrated that he’d even try to make it up to her, as if anything could undo the months of abuse and her tainted reputation. But something really was changed about him, she couldn’t deny that.

    She was miserable. Half of her longed for the peace and forgiveness her husband had found but the other half struggled against it. The grudge she clung to so desperately tortured her. She couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t eat, she couldn’t do anything. She couldn’t stand the presence of Robin and finally she decided to file for a divorce. With this settled in her mind, it somehow gave her the strength to force herself to sleep, with the hope dawning in her mind that tomorrow she would leave him and with him, her problems and their terrible past.  

    She drifted in and out of a restless sleep for the first half of the night. At some point towards dawn she thought she awoke to a tall dark figure standing in the open doorway of her bedroom. He was beckoning to her and something compelled her to follow him. He led her outside of town. Next thing she knew she was being led into a large room and up to a desk. Behind it sat two men, one wore white and had a radiant face, wearing a gentle expression. The other wore black. His face was ugly, scarred and hateful.

    “Mercy Roscoe, Sir.” said the man that had brought her in, addressing the man in white. The man robed in white ran a finger down a page on the desk in front of Him, and so did the man in black as he smiled wickedly.

    “Bitterness!” the man in white murmured sadly and Mercy thought she saw tears in his eyes.    

    “He has changed, and though he has hurt you in the past, don’t you think it would be better to forgive than clinging to your anger? Bitterness will kill you slowly. I can’t take your scars away, but I can make something far more beautiful from them!” He turned tender eyes on her and the beseeching look in his eyes almost made her choose forgiveness, but the man in black seeing he was about to lose her spoke, his voice seemed to rip through her soul and tear it to shreds,

    “Bitterness is easier than forgiving.” he stated convincingly. Mercy nodded, turning angrily on the man in white,

    “How do you expect me to forgive him? Look what he has done to my life!” Mercy cried bitterly. The man in black nodded approvingly.
    “You can’t forgive him, you shouldn’t! He agreed gesturing to a man standing behind him, also dressed in black, a long hooded cloak.

    “No!” The man in white cried out, a look of agony crossing his face, “Look, I forgave you your sins, can’t you forgive Robin?” he begged. But Mercy ignored him and took the hand that the hooded man was extending to her. His hand was icy and it was as if her hand was stuck in his even though he hardly gripped it.

    They exited the room and headed down a foreboding, woods lined path. The further they went, the darker it became and before long Mercy felt completely lost. Finally they arrived at a large stone building, a thick barrier, also made of stone surrounded it. The man leading her unchained the gate letting them in and re-chained it behind them. He led her to the door and pulled on it. It swung open on creaking rusty hinges. Inside it was completely dark, no windows, just cold stone walls and arches leading to more dark, stone-walled rooms.

    The man led her through the first arch and the sight that met her eyes shocked her. She gasped. Men, women, even teenagers and children were sprawled on the hard floor, covered in waste. Some slept, some sat or lay and stared blankly, all of them were fettered with sturdy chains. Mercy turned to her guide with a horrified questioning look.

    “Bitterness.” He spoke for the first time, his voice icy like his hand. Before she knew it she was sitting on the cold, dirty floor, also wearing chains and the man was gone.

    Days passed and she slept, when she wasn’t asleep she thought about Robin, blaming him for her misfortune. Day and night was the same for her. Often, man came either bringing another person or taking one through the arch into the darkness beyond the room she was in, sometimes both.

    Then one day it was her turn and the man led her into the next room. More chains were put on her, heavier, stronger chains. This room was even darker and colder. Echoing with the sobs and moans of others sharing her miserable fate. It seemed like an eternity before the man came for her again. Each archway led to a darker and more miserable prison. She had no idea how much time had passed but she had been moved several times, and the last archway she could see led to an eternal burning pit. She had seen many people be led away and then brought back only to be pushed, screaming, over the edge into the hungry flames never to return. The weight of the chains surpassed her strength, she felt weak and defeated. Finally the tall hooded man came back for her. She was brought again into the room where the two men sat at the desk.

    “Mercy Roscoe.” The man announced, retreating to his station behind the man in black.

    “Yes, I know her.” The man in white said sadly. Before he could say anymore, Mercy fell to her knees, tears streaming down her pale and sunken cheeks.

    “Forgive me!” She pleaded. The man in white looked so deeply into her haunted eyes, she felt them burning through her soul.

    “You are ready to forgive Robin?” His voice was hopeful.

    “I forgive him!” Mercy sobbed, her face hidden in her hands. The man in black stood up to protest, but the man in white stood as well and took a key from the desk. He unlocked the chains binding her and helped her to stand.
    She stood feeling freer and lighter than she ever had.

    Mercy woke with a start. She looked at her alarm clock, it was hardly 2:00 AM. She threw off the covers and hurried into the living room where Robin was asleep on the couch.

    “God! Forgive me for being stubborn and help me to forgive him! Give me love!” she knelt next to his sleeping form, tears flooding her eyes. A great longing to hold him and an overwhelming love swept over her, she reached out and gently brushed his messy brown hair from his forehead. He woke at her touch.
    “Mercy?” he asked in surprise. His voice was scratchy from sleep as he propped himself on one arm and tentative yet gentle fingers brushed a tear from her face. She clung to his hand, and he pulled her into his arms, for a few minutes she couldn’t talk still shook up from the terrible reality of the dream she had just woken from. Finally she pulled back wiping away the tears with the cuffs of her sweater.
    “I need to tell you, I’ve forgiven you. I don’t want to go through life chained by bitterness.” Her voice still shook from crying. “And I hope you can forgive me.”

    “If you want, I’d like to go through life as friends instead of enemies?” Mercy said, a question in her tone. An excited and relieve smile spread across Robin’s handsome features and he pulled her back into a tight embrace.
    “I’d love that!” he whispered. Mercy smiled through more tears. The intense relief and joy nearly drowning her.

    Mercy had never believed in miracles but now she knew, only a miracle and a forgiving God could explain this second chance she had been given and the way her chains had been unlocked.

The Question of Eternity

     I'm empty. I have nothing left. My pride is gone. Why does it always take me getting to this low point where I'm so broken and lost and at the end of myself before I realize the truth? I've pushed Him away, put Him off, left Him knocking a little too long, I'm desperate. "Okay God, I'm done fighting it. You can have my life!" tears are filling my eyes, I feel so hopeful! But I'm met with silence. Nothing. I'm just as lost and empty as I was before. I try to make it happen, try to feel those feelings that I think I should be feeling. I read my Bible, pray, journal, but it's not there. 

     I'm back to where I started. I know He's there, I just don't care anymore. I like my life just the way it is. But it's so empty. I'm so lost, so broken and I know it. But God wasn't there! I don't want to try again. I don't want to hear about it. He's supposed to fill that emptiness? Well than why didn't He do it?! I still talk to Him, I like our arrangement, I pray sometimes, He listens, no commitment. But I know deep down as I go through each day, there's still that fear of dying because I know where I'd go and I know where I want to go after this life. There's a fear of living, knowing that each new day He gives me, I'm wasting by following my own will.

     People keep telling me that I'm lost and need Him. Finally I break down and tell her why. I'm so broken, I can't talk about it or hardly even think about it without sobbing. A few days later she shares the story in Song of Solomon, the woman who waited too long and missed her lover who came knocking on her door at night. She had to go and pursue him in the streets... lately I can't get the story out of my head.

     It's a daily struggle... I want Him but I'm so stubborn and I want control of my own decisions, my own life. I hate commitment and I hate answering to anyone. But is it really worth living miserably free here only to spend eternity fettered and tortured by flames? Every second I hesitate is a second closer to eternity...there's no time to put it off. So why am I taking my time?

 I’m starting to doubt in myself again
Maybe I’m the demon I thought to begin
Thought I could make something of my scars
They say shoot for the stars
But what happens when you keep trying
And every time you try you keep falling
What happens when you’re covered in bruises
All that’s left of your dreams is a pile of ashes
What happens when you can’t succeed
And you’ve climbed that mountain til you bleed
What happens when you’re hearts smashed like crystal
You tried and still are no angel
What happens when you’re about done in
When you’ve worn yourself thin
Trying to reach the top of that mountain
Wasted all your change tossing pennies in the fountain
Still believing maybe your wishes will come true
And you’ll make it through
What happens when you’re so broken up inside
You’ve lost your grip and you can’t ride
What happens when you’re at the point of breaking
Lay it all down on the ground, give up everything
Tell me, what happens then
What happens in the end?

-7-3-12-

Jade

     I pull in one last drag of my Marlboro and drop it to the pavement. Taking a deep breath, I look up at the sign on the door in front of me.
   
     Im terrified! Plz let this be nothing!

     The text I send to Kara is short and desperate. Finally I somehow find the courage to push open the door and step inside. There's a woman sitting in front of me, probably in her 50's, dark hair and a  friendly face, I remind myself to keep breathing and my pounding heartbeat slows a little.
     "Hi, what can I help you with?" She looks up from paperwork.
     "I-I." I'm stuttering. I exhale and it comes out in a long shaky sigh. She smiles at me and I feel a little more confident. "I'm - I'm afraid that I'm pregnant!" The words rush out of me.
     "So how do you want us to help you?" She asks kindly.
     "My friend said you do free pregnancy testing." I explain.
     "Yes we do, can I have your name? I'll let the nurse know your situation and she'll be with you in a few minutes, go ahead and sit down in there."
     I'm shaking. I walk nervously into the tiny waiting room adjoining the entryway. There are people! two guys must be waiting on girlfriends, they both look young, two other teenage girls are waiting their turns. of the maybe dozen seats, it seems like over half them are filled.
     Great! I think to myself, I bet they heard. The others look nervous too. I'm obviously not the only one who's world this kind of news would shake.
     My phone beeps. I look around, signs on the wall ask for phones to be shut off, but at least two others are using them so I pull mine out,

     U at Planned Parenthood?

     I told Kara about the positive pregnancy test I took two days ago and she recommended I confirm all doubts by coming here. She had just been here in the past two weeks with her boyfriend. They weren't keeping the baby though. When I first heard, it killed me, but now that I was in the same shoes, I was terrified and the thought had crossed my mind a hundred times.
   
     Yeah waiting for the nurse.

     I text back.

     Is Ronnie with u?

     I think about him and tears burn my eyes.

     Hell no hes not! I havent even told him that i thought i was pregnant yet! 

     Really? U gonna tell him?

     Idk yet. Im trying to decide if im even gonna keep it.

     "Kylah?" a woman in her 30's with a chin length highlighted blond shag cut appears in the door of the waiting room, I take in her pink scrubs and pretty face.
     "This way." she leads me to a room down the hall with a 3 on the door. "So what is going on?" she asks me.
     "I took a pregnancy two days ago 'cause I'm like 3 weeks late for me period and it was positive." I lay it all out.
     "How have you been feeling lately?" She wonders.
     "Good, other than some headaches and I've been more tired and emotional than usual, but I just assumed that was because I was gonna have my period anytime." I explain. She nods.
     "We'll do a quick test and let you know the results."
     "Ok." She shows me to a bathroom, asks me to pee into a little plastic cup and put it into something in the wall. I do as I'm told, pulling the little silver knob I carefully set the half filled cup on the paper towel in the little metal compartment then wash my hands and go back to room #3 like she said. Five agonizing minutes pass before the nurse returns.
     "You're pregnant." she says simply. "Would you like to talk about options?" I shake my head. She asks me some questions and gives me an approximate due date.
     "I need to go, my boyfriend is meeting me in 15 minutes." I say as I stand.
     "I can't tell you what to do but you need to take care of yourself, get regular check ups and decide what you're going to do with the baby." The nurse says kindly, she pulls a few brochures from a holder on the wall and presses them into my hand, then as if as an after thought, she pulls me into a quick hug.
     "You need to sign some things before you leave, go ahead and take a seat by the desks over there. She points down the hallway and I walk numbly towards the front desks. I don't hardly know what I'm signing. Tears are blinding me and I just want to get out! Finally it's over. I push open the door and stumble onto the pavement. I search my pockets for my cigarettes and lighter. It's calming but I'm still a nervous wreck. I can't stop the tears and I have to meet Ronnie. He's coming to the gas station across the street to pick me up since it's right next to my house anyways. I see his truck and I feel like hiding. Instead I wipe the tears and cross the street.
   
     Now wht? 

     My text begs Kara for an answer.

     I dnt knw if i should keep it or not. 

     I'm text bombing her inbox.

     Kara! Help me!! Idk wht to do! 

     I've never been this scared in my life.

     You gnna tell Ronnie? Now tht u knw for sure? Idk wht to tell u love. Believe me i knw wht ur going thru tho!

     I cant tell Ronnie! 

     I force myself to smile. Ronnie's just coming out of the gas station, looks like he filled up his tank.
     "What about the beach tonight?" he grins. I nod.
     "Sounds good." He kisses me lightly and gives me a hand up into his truck. He's proud of his truck, fixed it up, gave it a new paint job over the chipping black paint, now it's sleek and shiny and the hottest truck in town.
     "You okay baby?" he studies me and I smile again trying to reassure him.
     "Yeah." The drive to the beach is quiet, it's empty, the sun is starting to set, he grabs a blanket from the back seat and lays it out for us. Watching the sunset together is one of my favorite things, usually we talk about everything we can think of to talk about. As the sun sinks lower and the wind picks up over the lake I start to shiver.
     "Do you have a sweater in your truck?" I ask.
     "Yeah I'll go get it for you." he offers.
     "No, I wanna get it." I jump up and jog towards the parking lot. It's my favorite, his brown Ecko sweater. I pull it on and head back to Ronnie. When I get back, something feels wrong. I can't put my finger on it. All evening we've been quiet but now it's a distant quiet, like he's holding back from me, distancing himself. I reach for my phone wondering why Kara hasn't texted me back and realize that I have an opened message I didn't get to read, then it clicks, Ronnie looked through my messages. He knows. I feel like someone hit me. Stunned.
     "When were you going to tell me?" He breaks the silence first.
     "I wasn't." I answer softly.
     "What were you going to do? Break up with me so I'd never find out? Get rid of it?" I can tell he's trying to stay calm.
     "Yeah." my voice is so quiet I don't know if he heard me.
     "You were going to get rid of it and never tell me?" His voice isn't angry it's just overflowing with hurt.
     "Yeah." I manage to squeak out as I nod.
     Silence.
     "Babe, I was scared, I didn't know what to do, Ronnie! I'm terrified, I'm 17 Ronnie! Think about it! I didn't think you'd want me to keep it anyways. I thought you'd be mad, maybe leave me. I'm so scared Ronnie, I'm so scared!" I'm feeling hysterical right now. "Kara said I could make an appointment and go when she goes. I just thought it would be easier!" I sob. He pulls me into his arms and holds me so tightly I almost can't breath but I wrap my arms around him and hold onto him. An all the fear starts to seep out of me.
     "Ky, you know how much I want a future and a family with you." Ronnie whispers gently against my hair. "Why would I ever leave you? We're in this together, it's my baby too and I want you to keep it." I look up at him my makeup running, my eyes red. He traces a tear.
      "I don't want to keep it. I've already made up my mind." He silently kisses me.

   
     It's 8 weeks before Kara and I can get into the abortion clinic, by then I'm 16 weeks, Kara is 19 weeks along. Ronnie's there for me even more than he's ever been before, catering to my needs. His patience seems unlimited with me. He hasn't once said another thing about me keeping me the baby, but in a thousand silent little ways he's begging me to keep it. He's promised to be there for me when I'm going through the abortion. I compare Ronnie to Kara's Tony and am reminded over and over how blessed I am.
   
     "We're supposed to call and confirm the exact date and time about a week before the appointment." Kara tells me, "So we should probably call by this weekend." The days are slipping quickly by and there are 8 days left before we go.
     "You scared at all Kylah?" She asks.
     "No. I'm not thinking about it. Ronnie makes it so hard. He's been doing so much for me." I sigh. "I feel so torn, he wants this baby so badly. I'm just terrified. He's bought us a house, he told me he wants to get married after my birthday, that he wants to be with me forever. But I'm too scared to go through with the birth."
     "I wish Tony was like that. I've heard nothing from Tony but, 'I can't wait for this baby to be gone!' I want the baby Kylah!" She's crying. I put my arms around her.
     "I'm sorry!" I whisper.

     "Kara!" I gasp over the phone,
     "What?"
     "They said no one put us down for an appointment and there's no possible way to get us in for another 8 weeks at least! By then we'll be over half way! Kara!"
     "I know, I'm having the baby. Regardless of Tony. Maybe this is a sign Kylah." I can hear secret joy in her voice. I just feel sick and worried.
     "What did Ronnie say?"
     "He said the same thing as you, maybe this is a sign. I don't think so though! I just want rid of the baby!" Tears burn my eyes.
     "Sleep on it Ky."
     "Not like that does any good. I can't legally abort it after 24 weeks anyways." I say angrily.
     "Why don't you want this baby? Is it just cuz you're set against it?"
     "I'm scared. I don't know." I search for a reason and instead what I find shocks me into silence. Finally I whisper,
     "I'm afraid because I want the baby so bad! I'm afraid I'll be a terrible mom, I'm afraid of my parents and what everyone else will say."
     "Kylah! You're stronger than that! If there's even a little tiny bit of doubt, just the smallest amount of wanting the baby, you won't regret keeping it, you'll regret killing it someday but never regret keeping it."

     "Ronnie, I need to tell you something." We're spending the evening together. It's been a week since I talked to Kara about the baby. Today I would have gotten rid of it.
     "What love?"
     "I need to get a job."
     "You're 16 weeks pregnant Ky!" He exclaims.
     "Ronnie, just listen, you're working hard to provide for me right now and everything I need, but if we have three people, two incomes would be better than one. I can work until the last month and we can save my income, after the baby it will come in handy." Ronnie's face has broken into the happiest smile I've seen on his face in a long time! He pulls me into a hug a lot like the one he gave me when he first found out about our baby and I squeeze him back.
      "I love you!" he whispers. "And don't you worry about the money, I'm making enough, we'll just cut back on a few things and start saving it up, you focus on finishing high school so you'll be graduated in time for the baby."
     I feel a peace that I haven't felt for a while and as I watch our tiny miracle grow over the next few months I find it hard to believe that I could have ever considered killing this.
     My parents reaction shocks me as they support us and the baby. And when I go into labor 3 weeks early  and a week after Kara's baby arrives I'm surrounded by loving people.

      "Hey Kylah, how about a mother-daughter day out?" Kara laughs. I grin down at baby Jade and she smiles just the tiniest smile.
      "Sounds fun, I haven't hardly been out since Jade was born and she's already 6 weeks!"
      "Where do you want me to pick you up?"
      "Wherever works best for you I guess."
      "I'll be over in an hour."

     "You been doing okay without Tony?" I ask as we're browsing the clothing racks at Vanity.
     "Never been better. Mom and dad have been helping me out with babysitting while I work and take classes and when I can't get something I need they'll get it. It's been really good, mom and I are actually friends for the first time in probably 10 years, ever since I hit puberty at least."
     "It's funny how a baby heals those connections isn't it? Even though we thought they wouldn't approve, I don't know if it's us or them that have changed. Either way, I'm glad that I kept Jade." I kiss her smooth baby skin and she squirms and smiles in her sleep. Kara nods and puts Lily's pacifier back in her mouth.
      "Me too."
      

Taken Forgranted

     It's been a long weekend, I'm exhausted, it's been a rough weekend with the business I work for and I'm not exactly looking forwards to going home either. Sometimes I wish I could just get away from my work, a wife who always needs one more thing done and my two little boys always begging and pleading with me to go out and do something when I just want to be left alone to sleep. I love my family but sometimes I feel like I need an escape.
     I'm at the airport, the last stop before the final half an hour drive home, I'm looking forwards to the peacefulness of that. As I'm standing in line waiting for my bags, I notice a man in an army uniform in line ahead of me, I hadn't seen him on the plane, but then I don't usually spend too much time people watching. Now he turns to me with a friendly smile,
     "Going home to family too?"
     "Yeah I guess." I shrug, "How long you been gone?"
     "It's been 18 months now. My wife will be here soon with the kids, I can't wait to see them. Honestly, after 18 months, you even start to miss the nagging!" he laughs. I nod, thinking to myself, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't miss the nagging.. even after 18 months!
     "You kinda take it all for granted, family life you know, you forget to tell them you love them enough and to spend the time with them that you should. Or at least I did, until I was deployed. I'm going home to spend every moment of the next few months I have home with them doing the things that they begged me to do a million times before and I was always too busy to do. Nothing is more important than the memories you make for your children.
     "You come face to face with death  over in Iraq, some of my buddies have widows now, their kids are gonna grow up with out their dad. I was with one of them the last few minutes and he begged me to go home and spend the time with my family that he should have with his so I wouldn't have the same regrets that he did."
     He finds his bag, I find mine and I head towards the exit, I hold open the door for a young pretty brunette with a baby on her hip and a toddler hanging onto her hand, another child tags along behind her. She looks excited and anxious.
     "Kara!" I hear the soldiers voice and turn in time to see them embrace, the kids hug his legs. I stand for a few moments watching as he picks up each child in turn and embraces and kisses them, I watch the way the cling to his neck and the way she presses close to him. She's crying and the kids don't want to let go.
     I finally slip away to my own car, after tossing my suitcase into the middle between the seats, I fish out my cell phone. 3 rings and she answers,
     "Hey baby, I hope you don't have anything planned for supper yet, I've got a little extra cash and I want to take you all out."
     "But, I thought -"she sounds surprised, I know she's thinking about all the times that I turned down an evening out because we 'didn't have enough money'. It was always a good excuse, but I'm through with excuses now.
     "Don't worry about it, just be ready I'll be home in about 30 minutes, we'll go somewhere nice."
     When I get home, the boys are waiting in the living room quietly,
     "Well you guys are quiet tonight! Usually you guys are screaming and running around when I get home!" I joke hugging them both.
     "Mom said we better be on our best behavior, cuz you were in a good mood tonight and she didn't want you to change your mind about going out." Owen the younger one pipes up. I laugh but as I go to take a shower, I stop in our bedroom. My wife is standing in front of the mirror putting on the finishing touches of her makeup. I put my arms around her,
     "You're beautiful." I whisper, kissing her softly. "I'm sorry about everything, from now on, I hope I can be the husband and dad that you guys need me to be." I say softly. She just kisses me.
     "Well you're making a good start." She answers, "I'm glad you made it home safely, I missed you. Go get ready, the boys are already waiting." I notice for the first time in a long time how forgiving she can be.
     "I know, I passed them on the way in. They said you told them to behave cause I'm in a good mood and you don't want me changing my mind about tonight." I wink backing towards the bathroom. "I didn't know I was that bad!"
     She throws a pillow at me.
     "Go take a shower!" she laughs. I silently thank the soldier for the lesson he taught me today and say a quick prayer that he'd be kept safe when he was deployed again. 

Graveyard Lullaby

     Chilling rain pours from the heavy fog colored sky. Mist cloaks the weathered grave stones. The bark on the leafless trees is wet, making them look black. Standing starkly against the gray. 

     Everything is still. Through the mist, we can hear her before we see her. A dark figure with an angelic voice. She's ghostly, gliding among the stone markers, her mournful song piercing the foggy atmosphere. 

     She kneels before a small, modest marker, delicate white fingers trailing over the engraved letters. Her melancholy tune fading into a tender lullaby. Closer, her eyes are vacant and lifeless, her face is etched with lines telling a story of loss and hardship and her posture is weary, drained. 

     She seems lost in a memory, her song slowly dies. It's replaced by silent sobs as she caresses the grave stone, obviously the marker of someone she loved. 

    "November 17, 1932 - January 25, 1933" is inscribed, a live cruelly stolen by death far too soon. A mother's last ray of sunshine in a dark and painful world.

     The lullaby is taken up again as she rises with a lingering longing look, and like a ghost, she slowly fades back into the mist, leaving no trace of her visit. 

--A.L. 1-20-12