The prairie is blanketed in white. Wind whips across the miles of nothingness and makes the roads hazardous. The trees are bare and standing like faithful yet forlorn soldiers in grey uniforms lining the highway. Everything seems dead and ugly.
I look up and ahead of me the sun fights through thick clouds, illuminating them causing them to turn golden, reflecting like dancing fairies on the snow. As if to point me towards home, a rainbow bridges the gap between heaven and earth. I am awed by the fantastic beauty that only a mastermind Creator could ever have designed. That He spoke into existence something I couldn't conjure up in my wildest imagination without having seen it first. The highway stretches ahead of me into nothingness and my mind wanders, marveling that He has made even the bitter winter so beautiful. In my mind I reminisce.
Its been over 3 years now since I lost my virginity to I'm not sure who.
It wasn't by choice but I'm not completely free of blame, if I had not been so intoxicated I may have been able to stop it.
That wasn't the beginning of the sexual abuse I had experienced. From the time I was 7 or 8 off and on things had happened but that was the furthest it had gone.
For a long time I've been broken and bitter blaming the person that robbed my innocence for the path that I have taken in life.
The worst part was I wasn't the only victim. I thought I could handle the wrong done to me because I was strong but seeing other innocents violated in that way made me angry and there was a time I almost hated our abuser. Not for what was done to me but to the others.
I don't know when it happened but lately I've realized I'm no longer angry or hateful about what happened. Broken, yes. There are still moments I cry for the loss we all experienced. None of us are fully healed and in reality I don't know that we ever will be. But I'm no longer bitter. Somehow I have found freedom from that and a deep overwhelming love for that person.
I didn't realize this until recently and didn't put it into words until today when I was talking to one of the other people involved. Lately there seems to be a lot of hateful posts on Facebook. Memes about how we should bring back lynching for rapists and pedophiles. To my surprise reading these things makes me angry, not at the rapists but at those people agreeing.
Rape devastates not only the victim but everyone connected to that person. I've been the one watching and angry wishing for revenge saying hateful things but I have realized revenge does not bring healing. Revenge does not change the person who committed the horrible act and it doesn't restore what the victim lost. The only thing that can bring freedom from the brokenness and pain is forgiveness. When you can forgive the person who hurt you, stop blaming yourself for what happened and find forgiveness for yourself then you can find freedom and healing. The scars will still be there but you can move on past it.
To the person that robbed me and the others of our innocence;
I have no hate or anger left. All I can feel towards you is love and a deep aching sorrow for the bondage of guilt you are fettered with. I know that you are sorry and I wish you knew that you are forgiven.
We still will suffer from the scars you left in our hearts the broken trust and horrible thing you did but more than anything in this world that I wish for you, I wish you could forgive yourself. I wish you could free yourself from your past and see that God has a plan for the nightmarish past, bigger and more beautiful than we could ever imagine.
You will always regret what you did and you should but this is not where it ends. The story of our lives has just begun and He can use these scars that you have created to tell a story that can touch lives.
I pray that you will someday find the freedom in forgiving yourself and letting Him forgive you.
And, to the betrayed;
I hope that you will someday find the freedom in forgiving yourself and the person who hurt you and letting go of the pain. That you will let Him heal you and set you free from the bitter loss. That you will struggle, and struggle hard with the demons but that you will over come them because the times of darkness that we pass through make the light so much brighter when we finally are free and the deep aches once healed can be made into something beautiful when in God's hands. I pray you will find deep overwhelming forgiveness because it is only in forgiving that you will ever find healing.
And we have a story to tell, we have experienced pain and darkness so that we can get down beside those who are struggling with the same heartbreak and show them that there is hope and healing.
I will never be the same I will always be scarred but every painful thing I have experienced has given me more compassion for other aching hearts. And I am thankful for that.
It might not seem so beautiful when you all you can see is the ugly scars left but I am confident that He who created us and has allowed us to suffer has a plan for everything we go through and He can make anything beautful even our scars.
