Meant to Be - Part 7

 Okay, there have been a few errors, two different names for Jessica's best friend, it was Kelly then Stel, I changed it all to Kelly, and also when the neighbor came to plow and picked her up, the distance thing, I rewrote that little clip there so hopefully it's more clear! Excuse any grammatical or spelling errors, if there ever is a pre-published copy those will be edited out I'm sure! :P But honestly if there is anything that is unclear or confusing, would be better changed or needs fixing, please point it out to me!! Thanks for taking time to read this and for all the encouragement and help! :) 

     I slip under the covers in the darkness, closing my eyes, trying to close out the bad memories, hoping to sleep, but sleep evades me.
     "Jessica!" I'm five years old and Dad just got home from work.
     "Daddy!" I run to him, clinging to his legs. He swoops me into the air and catches me.
     "How's my little Angel?" he grins kissing my hair.
     "Good!" I giggle, " Mom let me have cookies and I had a tea party for Dolly and Growly Bear! Growly Bear was being bad and not minding his manners so he had to go in the corner!" I say soberly.
     "Uh oh!" Dad shakes his head and clicks his tongue. It always makes me laugh when he does this and he laughs with me, a deep, wonderful, daddy chuckle! Dad kisses mom who's setting supper on, I grimace, then helps me wash my hands and sit to the table.
     Danny comes out of his room, his nose in a book. He tosses it onto the counter and seats him self, so grown up for only being ten!
     "What you reading Dan?" Dad asks. Danny loves when Dad calls him Dan, it makes him feel like a man.
     "A book about pirates." Danny says, leaning forwards eagerly and animatedly recounting a gruesome pirate tale of Blackbeard and his crew. I listen intently, staring with large eyes at his face, soaking it in.
     "Shush!" Mom scolds, setting a dish of steaming mashed potatoes on the table. "That's not fit for Jessie's ears!"
     "But I like them mom!" I protest. She looks at me reprovingly.
     It's quiet long enough for Dad to bless the meal, then Danny and I are talking over each other, through mouthfuls of mom's delicious mashed potatoes and gravy.
      I sob into my pillow as I remember all the fun times with Dad and Danny, the loss cuts me open, bleeding, aching, lonely.
     After a while there's a knock on my door. I don't answer and my door opens.
     "Jessica?" I'm silent. "Are you okay?" Mom sits on the edge of my bed.
     "No!" I sob. "Mom!" I can't say anything else and for a while mom just holds me.
     "You're hair!" she whispers, running her fingers through my chopped off locks. I sniffle,
     "I had to cut it (sniffle) off!" I say starting to calm down a bit.
     "Oh Jessica!" I can almost hear a smile in her voice as she says this, remembering the haircut I gave myself when I was seven that turned out similarly.
     "Sorry Mom!" I half laugh and then I'm crying again. "It had to go!" I insist. Mom is silent, inviting me to go on if I wish. I cautiously mention my pregnancy.
     "Are you angry?" I wonder.
     "No, sad, not angry, I've had enough time to process my feelings about it waiting for you to talk about it." Mom voice is full of emotion.
     "That's worse!" I hiccough. "I'd rather you be angry than... hurt."
     "Oh honey!" mom says tenderly, "Not sad, like disappointed in you. I'm sad for you, that you had to go through this all and mostly by yourself!"
     "When I took the test and it was positive, I didn't know how I'd ever tell you! I knew you'd be so disappointed." I sigh.
     "I ached every day, watching you carry your secret alone and then when the rumors got out, but I decided to let you come to me with it when you were ready and not force your confidence."
     "You new?" I ask surprised, trying to figure out a way she could have found out.
     "I had a feeling." I'm silent.
     "I think I want to keep it." I say finally. Mom nods as moonlight spills through the shades, soft cream bars of light.
     "If you feel that's best for everyone." mom agrees.
     "I think I'll forever regret it if I let her be adopted." I say decidedly.
     "Now, Jessica! Don't get your mind set on a girl." Mom chides gently.
     "I know. It just feels like it should be a girl!" With Trent's eyes and hair! I add mentally and my heart longs to hold him again. My mind tells me I'm better off without him, but my heart still years for him and his love...Wait! Love? He never loved me! I start to cry again. "I just wanted to make him love me mom!" I sob, deep, wrenching sobs shake me from the depths of my aching heart. Mom wraps her arms around me again and holds me until I've calmed down again.
     Mom has never seen me this vulnerable, and I've never shared this deep, we've always been on okay terms but never this close. I feel vulnerable and yet, it feels safe. I look at her and the moonlight highlights a single tear running down her cheek. My eyes are puffy and hot and red from all the tears, I'm glad for the darkness. I pluck a tissue from the box on the nightstand and blow my nose loudly several times, somehow it makes me feel better. I try to smile at mom.
    "I think I"ll be okay, I'm going to try to sleep."
    "Alright." Mom get's up, "goodnight." she says for the second time.
    "Goodnight, and mom, thanks! I say, our eyes meet in the semi dark. She smiles and hugs me quickly and leaves. As she goes down the steps, I catch a faint sob, but I'm not certain. I wish I could hold her and comfort her the way she does for me, but instead I whisper a quick prayer,
     "God, I know she believes You care and only You can comfort her, so please be with her tonight!" 

I made a page at the top right side of this blog that has Meant to Be from start through. So if you haven't read it yet, go over there and you can read it all in order, and I'll keep it updated. Might be putting up another part today, we'll see if I get time :) 

Meant to Be - Part 6

Here's a bit more of the story... ideas or things to change?

     The day before Christmas Eve, after being in the hospital for almost a week, I get to go home. My mom and I celebrate by baking Christmas treats and going tree shopping, we planned to a week ago, but... my accident stopped us.
     We finally find a tree we both like. It's small, perfect for our living room, we bring it home and get out the traditional ornaments, laughing over the memories each one holds. I pick up a misshaped, golden star with 'Joy to the World' inscribed in wobbly, childish, script around the top half. Danny made it in 2nd grade.
      "Merry Christmas Danny!" I whisper caressing the star in my hand tenderly before hanging it on the tree, the house feels empty somehow, knowing that Danny won't be home for Christmas.
     Mom smiles sadly, pulling Danny's favorite ornament from the box, a miniature baby Jesus in a manger. Tears flood her eyes. I wrap my arms around her, and for a while, we hold each other, our tears washing over our broken hearts, healing glue, piecing them back together a bit. In this moment, I feel somehow grown up, no longer mommy's little girl, but a friend, a woman feeling heart to heart, sharing grief and tears, it's like a few minutes of mingled tears had drawn us together, closer than before.
      Finally mom wipes her eyes with a Kleenex from a lamp stand behind us, and blows her nose.
     "It's so unfair mom!" I burst, "why did God take Danny?" Mom puts her arm around my shoulders,
     "We'll never understand God Honey. We just gotta trust that He knows best! I'm just thankful for the years that God allowed us with him." Mom's smile is purely trusting, almost angelic. I stare at her, she looks so at peace!
      How can she just accept this? My heart rebels against trusting a God who could allow this much pain.
     "God!" I pray silently, "Maybe mom's okay with it! but I'm not!" I feel a bit of guilt accusing my mom of being heartless, I know she's not really okay with my brother's death! But despite God giving me a second chance at life, I feel angry and upset at Him. I don't want to tell mom, I know it'd hurt her, but if I stay, I know I'll explode, I stand up, fighting tears.
     "I'm going to bed." I say trying to control my voice.
     "This early?" Mom looks at the clock in surprise. It's hardly past 8:00 PM.
     "Yeah."
     "You don't want to stay and see the tree all lit up? I'll make cocoa and a fire in the heart." Mom offers hopefully.
     "That sounds good mom," I say heading for my room, "but I think I'll wait 'til tomorrow, see the tree all lit up first time, on Christmas Eve." I try to smile at her, feeling bad for refusing, but I know I can't stay.
     "Okay, goodnight, sleep well!" mom sounds disappointed.
     "Thanks, you too." I shut y bedroom door and go into my bathroom, turning the shower on, I undress and brush out my hair, I run my fingers through it. Trent used to love playing with my hair, I'm lost, floating back over the months to the summer when life was still half okay. Trent and I are sitting in the movie theater. I don't even remember what we're watching! I'm lost in him... his gorgeous brown eyes that just melt you, his scent wraps around me, familiar, pulling me in, he's twisting his fingers in my hair then letting it go, over and over. He seems to be endlessly entertained by my shoulder-blade length, straight naturally platinum blond hair.
     I trail my fingers down his face and trace his jaw. It's my 17th birthday, Trent has brought me out to a movie and it's uncertain after this what we're gonna do. He leans over and kisses me. Emotions flood me, in every kiss I can feel his love and passion.
     "You wanna go back to my place after this is done?" he whispers into my ear. I nod, I know I shouldn't and my conscience  is killing me but I ignore it. I've been raised believing virginity is something you save and give to only one man... I know what going back to his place will lead to. Trent is twenty and owns his own place so we'll be alone together. I push aside my doubts, after all, isn't this the one I plan to spend forever with? What does it matter when I give him my virginity? We love each other!
     I was so naive, so unprepared for the pressures! After that first night, I often went to his place. I suddenly felt very insecure, as if I had lost his love and respect. I watched, frustrated, hurt and jealous as he flirted with other girls. I gave myself more and more to him, trying to hang onto him, too attached to let him go.
     When I missed my period in October, I panicked. At first, I tried to believe it was just late, but when I began to be sick, an emotion wreck and constantly exhausted, I bought a pregnancy test. I sat in the bathroom at the drug store, watching the seconds tick by on my cell phone, when it showed positive I threw it away and tried another. I had to be dreaming! But the second test was positive as well. Tears splotched my face and I shook, scared to death of what would happen.
     I wasn't going to tell Trent, but when it got out to the whole school, I finally broke the news to him. The look on his face is forever burned into my memory. I'd never seen him this angry as he stepped closer to me, my heart hammered wildly and I thought it'd break through my chest.
     "Worthless little whore!" he cussed, "I never wanna see you again!" he opened the door behind me and towards over me. I stepped outside and he slammed it in my face. I turned away and got into my car, I'd never felt this worthless in my whole life, so used, and cold and alone!
      I shiver, pulling myself back to the present. Tears spring to my eyes and I reach for the razor blade on the sink. I saw it through my hair, right below my chin, cutting it short all the way around, I look at my reflection as platinum blond hair floats to the rug all around my feet. Instantly a mix of regret and freedom floods over me. I turn away from the mirror and get into the shower. I soak in the refreshing warmth of the water flooding over me, momentarily forgetting some of my grief.

The Outsider

Taking a short break from 'Meant to Be' to write this, hoping to put up part 6 of 'Meant to Be' soon. 

     I stand alone against a wall in the foyer. People are crowding down the single isle of the small auditorium, down the steps to where I'm standing.
     I longingly watch a small group of girls my age, three of them are a bit older than me and two younger, one is my sister. I watch my ex-best friend, part of the group, and loneliness sweeps over me. It may be partly my fault that we're no longer friends, but it just feels hard to fit in!
     We've been here for two years now and I still feel like an outsider, most of the people here have attended this church for years and are all like a big cliquish family, it's hard to feel a part of them. My mind comes back to the group of girls, I notice Anita and Londa are wearing matching, new red dresses. It feels so unfair!    
     They've always got the newest best styles. I try to copy them but my styles never look as neat and nice as theirs, I just don't fit in to this group!
Little Lola comes running to me and jolts me from my thoughts of self pity. She gives me her sweet little grin and my heart warms.
     "'Side!" she smiles pointing a chubby baby finger at the door.
     "Should we go outside?" I smile. She nods and giggles. I pick her up and we head outside. I greet the girls as I pass them, faking a smile.
     The wind tousles Lola's hair and she smiles at me a smile of pure sweetness that I can't help returning, this little girl has a special place in my heart. I set her on the swing and push her.
     "Is that too high?" I wonder she shakes her head clinging to the chains to stay on, still smiling, though a little less certain. I study her, her blondish brown hair, large hazel eyes, with long delicate lashes, that make it look like she's wearing loads of mascara. An innocent, trusting, cherub face. She kicks her feet at me and I dodge,
     "You almost got me!" I say, she laughs and tries again. I give her another push. More children come out and fight over the remaining two swings on the play ground.
     "Push me! Push me!" they chorus and I push them in turns. Sunday school's out and I see Andrea Martin walking towards me, her family has come to this church for years and they still do not 'fit in' either. She helps me push the children on the swings and we talk. We talk about her family, her cousins, what they've been doing, she's an interesting person to talk to. I feel a bit guilty for having judged her at one point while I was still trying to fit in and hang with the popular group. After all, it's not the appearance that matters, it's what's inside.  
     And since I myself am not quite up to the 'popular peoples' standard of cool, I realize she's not that much different than me. I've always felt guilty when I let myself judge others, after all aren't I the one always preaching that you shouldn't judge people by their appearance? Practice what you preach!
     As I get in the car later to go home, I feel empty, alone, aching. I've tried so hard to fit in here, tried to make friends and all I have is a bunch of children and a girl who isn't the 'norm'.
     "You have a good day?" My sister asks me. I smile to cover how I'm feeling inside,
     "Yeah." I lie. "Pretty good. You?" She nods and bubbles off about the girls. I listen, trying not to show how jealous I am that somehow she finds a way into the inner circle when I find only chained doors.

_______________________________

     Since then, friendships have been put back together, I've 'found myself' so to speak and realized that I don't have to be like those girls to be cool. I don't need to 'fit in', if we all followed the same path, the world would get nowhere. I've learned to be thankful for individuality, I no longer need to feel their 'approval' or need to try to be them. I'm different and I'm happy to be that way, but there are still days I struggle with acceptance and feeling 'outside' and wondering 'why me?'
     But being 'outside' has helped me to see some things I might have over looked before. Being an outsider has taught me to look out for the 'new people' or the people who don't fit in so well. Not to make fun of them for their difference, but to accept them how they are and take an interest in their lives and care about them. I hear someone make a comment about somebody's outfit or their hair, maybe their weight or face and I cringe inside, knowing how it feels to be the one picked apart.
     Each one of us were created in His image and we shouldn't tear each other down, we are supposed to build each other up and accept and love each other, there is no one that is better than another, we were all created equal. If we are secure in where we stand with the world and with God, we shouldn't feel a need to tear someone else down to build ourselves up, and in tearing others down, we tear ourselves down as well.
     So this Christmas season, remember, Jesus came for everyone! We are all precious in His sight and we all need to be loved and accepted, so reach out to someone who needs it! Show God's love to those around you, not by being the coolest one, but by loving like God loves us, with unprejudiced, unconditional love. Make somebody's Holidays and their year!
Remember;

It is more blessed to give than to receive. - Acts 20:35

I have found that when I forget myself and reach out to someone else, they often make my day and it gives me a good feeling to know that I have touched someone else's life!

____________________________

NOTE: I realize looking back that there were people there that reached out to me and loved me, but I was too busy focusing on and trying to gain the acceptance of people that didn't care, to notice the people that did! And so I'd lumped them all together as one big bad group of people and in my bitterness I judged them in a way, and didn't really give them a chance. I have a lot of regrets from these few years about all the people I hurt, ignored or took fore-granted because of trying to make myself happy! Ignorantly and selfishly hurting people the way I was being hurt! I'm truly sorry!  And I'm also thankful for the experiences God has given me and how they have helped me to have a deeper compassion and understanding for those around me that hurt I'm also very thankful for the friends that He has brought into my life and their understanding, patience and loyalty to me! =) 

A Note to the Lonely: I know it's hard and it feels pointless and unfair, but I hope that you can trust God to do what's best and trust that He does have a purpose for bringing you through this! He will never leave you or forsake you! He loves you more than you can imagine and He will use this for good if you let Him! <3

Mean to Be - Part 5

Okay, decided to post it after all so here's Part 5... This might be a little disorganized, I wrote on it for quite a while and my thoughts tend to kinda just muddle together and maybe  conflict with each other and I get to the end and am not sure if I actually got my point across how I wanted to say it, so I may go back and re-write it like I did with the first three parts but for now, it's like it is. Any ideas or thoughts?

 

“Where are the flowers from?” I ask noticing them for the first time in the dim room. Bouquets of brightly colored flowers and a pile of notes. Mom smiles,
    “The church people.”
    “Really? Can I have the notes?” she hands them to me and I open the top one, Rita Mckinely,
    
    Dear Jessica,
        I was so sorry to hear about the accident but I thank God that he spared your life, you would’ve been terribly missed! I’m praying for a speedy recovery and safety for you and your little one!
    I miss you at bible study before classes, and I’m really sorry about everything that’s happened at school. You don’t deserve it. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive and go on. Hugs to you!
I love you and God does too! I’m here if you ever need to talk!
Love,
Rita M.

    Tears fill my eyes, Rita! Rita was one of the less popular girls, even in the bible study. She was quiet and as I thought back, I realized she had never judged me once and had gone out of her way to show me love, though I was too caught up in my anger and bitterness to notice her love. I had been focusing on the wrong things.
    I open the rest of the cards, they’re all encouraging notes of love, ‘We’re praying, we love you, thanking God that you’re still with us, recover soon!’ type of notes, but I knew they weren’t just writing these things, they really meant them! They actually cared!
    “Mom, you said the church was praying for me?” I say quietly.
    “Yes.” mom answers, unaware of the struggle going on inside and the contents of the notes. I’ve pretty much given up on God, and I quit going to church a couple months ago, soon after my secret got out to the whole school. I’ve mostly rejected the church, knowing that they cared enough to pray for me touches me.
    “Wow!” I whisper. People practicing what they preach... unconditional love... These people are real!
    My mind goes to the rejection that I have experienced over and over, from friends who were Christian, the group at school, I used to go to their bible study every week, but then when Stel, who had been a strong Christian and the biggest influence on me, the one that had first pointed me towards Christ, had slipped up and eventually betrayed me, I’d used it as my excuse to slip too and the way that the Christian students looked down their noses at me as I walked by in the halls after they found my secret drove me further from God.
    Finding not forgiveness, but rejection in my situation, I pulled away from God and sank lower and lower into this dark misery. Anger, fear, bitterness all building up until I felt I could explode, walking the halls of school, I felt alone and angry, at God and the hypocrites who called themselves Christians, who were too perfect to slip up and who judged me with only half the story, as if they were above falling.
    But these were true Christians, truly living out God’s love, caring about my life.
    I realized as I lay in silence and mom sat next to me, holding my hand, that I had been focusing on my pain, building walls to keep the pain out and I had walled myself in so that I couldn’t be touched by those that still were trying to love me.
    “Thanks mom!” I whispered through my tears,
    “For what?” mom looked surprised.
    “For sitting with me, I’m sure you’ve got better things to do!”
    “I don’t have anything to do that can’t wait until my precious daughter is okay. I wasn’t going to leave you alone!” mom says, gently stroking my hair.
     I'm touched, I suddenly feel a new appreciation for all my mom’s done for me and Danny over the years and my heart warms, if I could I’d give her a great big hug and tell her what she means to me I would, but my mouth doesn’t move to say the words and I can’t hug her, I just lie perfectly still and close my eyes. Silently asking God to bless her and  thanking Him for my mother’s love, a love so deep, only the love of God is greater!

Meant to Be - Part 4

 Here's part 4! :) I do have more written than this but I'm going to post it later 'cause there are a few things I want to go over and possible re-write. Tell me what you think.

“Mom.” I whisper. “What happened?” I know what happened, but I want to know how I got here, how I was saved, what she knows. Sudden fear grips me, did they somehow find out my secret? I look into my mom's eyes, trying to search them for some clue, some hint that she knows. Her eyes are glassy from tears, I can almost see my reflection, her face is wet, and her eyelids red and puffy. She looks a mess!

    My mom, so composed, always perfectly groomed, never a hair out of place, never going out without her makeup being perfect, like this? Even when Dad died and Danny, mom was always composed, always the strong one  to lean on. I rarely see mom cry and now thinking that I’m the cause of those tears makes my heart ache. Why was I so foolish? Why don’t I think before I do things? Why am I so selfish? Why can’t I be more like mom? Tears come involuntarily.

    “I thought you were in your room doing homework, but around 9:00, I got a call that you were in the hospital. Jimmy came with his daughter to plow our drive and found you and brought you into the hospital. He said he didn’t know if he should bring you home or to the hospital at first but he had dealt with hypothermia once or twice while ice fishing with buddies and knew that since the hospital was closer and you were pretty far gone he better bring you in and notify me later. If he would’ve brought you home, you might not have survived.” Mom’s voice is broken,

    “How long have I been here?”

    “Three days. We almost lost you, but thanks to God and all the prayers from the church, you’re  okay.”

    “The baby?” I don’t know if mom knows about it yet, but I have to know if my baby is okay!

    “The baby’s okay.” mom says softly. A thrill goes through me, relief floods me. If I would have lost the baby, I would’ve been forever guilty of taking a life. I see that mom’s crying again and I reach up and wipe a tear from her face.

    “I’m sorry mom!” I whisper softly. “I’m so sorry! I don’t know what I was thinking. Actually I do, I was thinking it would be an easy escape but by the time I realized I couldn’t give up yet, it was too late! Mom!” I break off choked by sobs.

    “It’s okay honey, don’t think about it, just think about recovering. The sooner you recover the sooner we can go home. Maybe we can go home for Christmas.” She smiles through her tears and I think she might be angel, only an angel could forgive me for what I did to her, risking her more pain and my baby’s life.

    Is she angry with me about the baby, I wonder, how is she feeling? I wish she’d tell me what she’s thinking! Getting yelled at would be better than this silent forgiveness! Don’t say it’s okay! It’s not okay! I scream inside and yet I love my mom for how she so willingly offers grace to me. She’s so Christlike! Maybe what she’s got is real after all, maybe what I’ve been fighting all along is what I really need.  I push the thoughts from my mind, if I ignore them, they’ll go away. I’m not ready to accept this.

    “How soon can I go home?” I ask. Mom shrugs,

    “I don’t know yet honey, hopefully soon.” she smiles softly at me. I reach for her hand and squeeze it slightly, pain floods up my arm momentarily but then it’s gone and I’m okay.

    “God,” my heart prays, “Thank you for saving me and giving me a second chance!”  Something touches my heart, and a silent voice whispers, ‘I’ve got a plan for your life, you were meant to be, will you give me the pieces?’ my heart longs to respond, longs to give in but something is still holding me back, I’m not ready. Please God! Hold on a little longer, I’m not ready yet, please don’t give up on me!  

  

Meant to Be Part 1-3 re-written

So I edited the story, added some to the beginning, developed it a bit more... Thanks to Rachael for her ideas! :)  What do you think? Also I'm working on a fourth part and may add it today. We'll see how it goes. And one more thing... I added a 'follow by email' option on this blog, so if you want to get updates by email it's on the top right corner and you just have to type in your email address there. And here's the re-written version of the first three parts. Hope you enjoy!

It's dark and cold as I step out into the frigid, unfriendly, December night. Wind tears at my jacket, trying to get inside, trying to wrap it's icy arms around me, freeze the life out of my body. But I'm hardly aware of the weather, as the wind whips and slices my face like icy knives. I don't mind the physical cold surrounding me, in fact, it's almost welcome, I wish it could take my mind off of the ache tearing my heart into pieces. So many questions crowd into my mind it feels like I could explode from the emotions I can't name. I beg the tears to come, as if that will take some of the pain but they refuse, my eyes are dry, my heart continues to ache. Why? I scream at the wind, why me? Why the pain? How is it possible to hurt this bad? Each time I hurt a little more, am a little more surprised at the depth of the intense aching pain. Is there such a thing as relief? each level makes me look back at the level before, wondering if I actually was hurting then because if I was, it was nothing like now. I wish I could lay down in one of the snow drifts and never get up. What if I did, just laid down, let myself drift into sleep, a dreamless sleep, a sleep that would last for eternity? I lie down in a snow bank. And close my eyes against the immense dark evilness and hate of the world around me. It doesn't happen how I think it will, a fading into darkness, losing all my pain and slipping away to a world of nothingness.

I feel the chilling wetness of snow seeping through my clothes, my fingers begin to ache with cold and my toes, I'm not wearing gloves or boots, just street shoes and a thin coat. My jeans are wet and cling to my legs that are starting to feel like icicles... is this really the best way to go?

I think about the hurts that have been building and building all around me, tearing at my heart, ripping me to pieces; Danny's death two weeks ago, he was in the infantry posted in Afghanistan and had been shot in combat. Danny was 21, despite being four years older than me, we were the only children and very close. Now it was just mom and me, we had already lost dad to cancer when I was 10. Loneliness fills me and my body shakes uncontrollably. Is it the tears that are now falling, sobs racking my freezing body? Or is it the cold? My feet and hands are starting to numb.

My mind continues to mull over the things that feel like they're ruining my life. Kelly. Fresh sobs rack my body, now that they're finally coming, they won't stop. Kelly and I have been best friends since the 1^st grade. Sharing secrets, sleep overs, discussing guys and our newest crushes, shopping, we've done all the things best friends do, for the last ten years! Has it really been ten years? It seems in a way like forever and yet it seems like yesterday we were shy little 1^st graders, both new to a big scary school with a big unfamiliar class of kids who all knew each other. And we just clicked from that first day, inseparable from that day on. You almost never saw one of us without the other.

I half smile, my frozen lips feel thick and numb, my face is cold, I clumsily reach up to feel my face, it feels like it's being pricked with a million needles, my hand is numb and I can hardly feel my face, it doesn't feel like my hand even, it feels like someone else is touching my face with cold lifeless fingers.

“Why?” I whisper into the chilling black night. “Why'd you do this to me Stel? I thought we would be best friends forever!” It had been almost a month now, living like this, questioning every last word that she said, wondering if it was all lies, since that day she'd betrayed me. I'd told her my biggest secret, something I hadn't told anyone, not even Danny, and within a week, the whole school knew. I'd felt her pulling away this school year, little by little, leaning towards the 'in group', Sophie was the leader and hated me so I wasn't welcome, but Phil one of the 'in guys' thought Stel was pretty hot so they'd let her in and she'd been hanging less and less with me, and now this, total rejection and pain, but now she was kissing up to me again, like she might get popularity from being friends with a girl who's brother had died as a soldier, like she wanted to be part of my life again. And part of me ached to let her back in, to let her be my friend, to trust her again, but the biggest part of my heart pushed her away, knowing I couldn't trust her, refusing to trust again, even after ten years. How could something like this shatter our friendship? I kept trying to convince myself that maybe it was for the best, but nothing felt like it was for the best. Everything was dark and scary and painful.

October. I'll never be able to think of Halloween in the same way. The tears have stopped and I'm not shivering as much, though my whole body still hurts and I can't think clearly. October? What happened in October again? Oh yeah. The party... guilt floods back over me. I'm not only harming my own life, taking my own life. I have to get up, gotta keep fighting... not for myself... I try to sit up, I roll over slowly and stand unsteadily. My legs are stiff and my feet feel like cement blocks. I haven't walked too far, maybe I can make it home.

I start to wonder why I even considered suicide as an option to start with. I can't feel my body parts, they all feel separate like they don't belong to me, like someone else just glued them onto me and they were the wrong size for my body. I stumble a few steps and then fall to my knees, hot, tingling pain shoots up my arms and the tears start to flow again, I feel so helpless, maybe I could just rest for a moment here, but my stubborn streak kicks in and I drag myself a few more steps, before collapsing again. I can't give up! I've got to make it back to the house! I try to convince myself. But I'm too tired.

I never thought I would stoop this low, I've always been a fighter, never though I would ever just give in... I can't go on! I lie down again, unable to move, I want to move, I want to get up I want to make it back, but I can't, I can't move a muscle.

“Oh God, I know, I haven't talked to you in a while, but please! Don't let me be responsible for taking this -” I'm spinning, sinking, no longer feel so cold, warmth rocks me in it's arms, I'm falling through blackness and the ache where my heart once was doesn't exist. I feel empty, emotionless... My mind is completely numb, darkness wraps around me and I swirl almost dizzily into nothingness...

I have no idea how much time passes while I'm in this state of nothingness, but eventually I awake to a white room, it's almost dark. Distantly I hear hushed voices and footsteps, the clicking, humming and beeping of machines. My body throbs and aches, the pain makes me wonder momentarily if I've died and somehow ended up in hell, but hell is supposed to be fire and this is just a world of white closing in around me, pressing in on me, am I dreaming?

A face appears over me, it's familiar... mom? She's saying something but I can only see her lips moving, her voice is distant and I can't concentrate on her words. What's happening? I relize I'm closing my eyes. I try to reopen them but I can't. They feel heavy and I hurt, something bumps me and a shivering pain shoots through me, the kind of pain that doesn't just hurt, it aches in an indescribably excruciating way that leaves you paralyzed and wanting to scream.

Where am I? What's going on? My whole being is throbbing and aching and my mind feels numbed, like it's been shot with Novocaine. I try to remember what happened, how I got here. A ghost of a memory hovers around the edges of my thoughts but when I try to make sense of it, but it eludes me. Finally I give up. Trying not to concentrate on the pain in every inch of me, lying totally still because even the slightest jarring is excruciating! I drift back into nothingness, but not the light painful nothingness I experienced before, this time, even nothingness is laced with haunting pain!

I have lost all track of time anymore, I don't know how long I've been here. My days are spent drifting in and out of sleep and trying the handle the intense knife like pain haunting every waking hour and every dream. It seems to be consuming me, I can't think of anything else! People come and go, the nurses and my mom, but I'm hardly aware of them. I can't keep track of them, everything is a blur.

Questions begin to fill my mind and emotions so strong, almost worse than the intense pain. What happened? I thought I'd freeze to death. My mind begins to thaw and I remember the horrible chilling darkness enveloping me, the way I felt so hopelessly lost, realizing I couldn't give up then giving up anyways. Guilt stabs me and I reach to touch my stomach, ignoring the pain shooting through me. It's less than before but still very present in every moment. Who found me and brought me into the hospital? That must be where I am, nurses and the strong odor of hospital, and the eternal dim lit white walls, it's so horribly dull but I don't have time or energy to think about it. Why did they save me? I find myself torn between gratefulness and hate for whoever rescued me from death to revive me to this horrible torture. Why didn't God just let me die? It would've been easier! How long ago was that night? It seems just moments ago and yet, it feel like an eternity of pain has gone by! It's funny how conflicting time can feel.

“Jess! Jessica?” I pry my eyes open, who's talking to me? I feel hazy at first but force myself to focus. It's mom. Is it... is she... crying? Pain shoots through me, not physical pain, the pain you feel with your heart, that deep ache you experience when you see someone you love hurting, that stab of guilt for being so selfish. Almost taking two lives and leaving mom alone!

How could I hurt her like this? I got so caught up in my own grief and hurts that I totally tuned out mom's grief. I just about skipped out on her, the very same thing that I'd been so hurt by my best friend... ex-best friend, doing to me. Except, she hadn't attempted suicide she's still living... which hurts almost worse! 

Meant to Be - Part 3

I have lost all track of time anymore, I don't know how long I've been here. My days are spent drifting in and out of consciousness and trying to handle the intense knife like pain haunting every waking hour and every dream. It seems to be consuming me, I can't think of anything else! People come and go, but I hardly am aware of them, I can't keep track of them, everything's a blur.
Questions start to fill my mind and emotions so strong, almost worse than the pain. What happened? I thought I'd freeze to death! My mind begins to thaw and I remember the horrible darkness enveloping me, the way I felt so hopelessly lost! Who found me and brought me into the hospital? That must be where I am, nurses and the strong odor of hospital, and eternal fluorescent lights and white walls, it's so horribly dull but I hardly have time or energy to think about it. Why did they save me? I find myself almost hating whoever rescued me from death to revive me to this horrible torture. Why didn't God let me die? It would've been so much easier! How long ago was that night? it seems just moments ago and yet, it feels like an eternity of pain has gone by! It's funny how conflicting time can feel.
     "Jess! Jessica?" I pry my eyes open, who's talking to me? I feel hazy at first but force myself to focus. It's mom. Is it... is she... crying? Pain shoots through me, not physical pain, the pain you feel with your heart, that deep aching pain you experience when you see someone you love hurting, that stab of guilt for being so selfish.
     How could I hurt her like this? I got so caught up in my own grief and hurts that I totally tuned out my mother's grief. I just about skipped out on her, the very same thing that I'd been so hurt by my best friend... ex-best friend, doing to me. Except, she hadn't attempted suicide, she was still living which hurt almost worse!
(to be continued :)

I was doing a little research tonight and I'm aware that this story hasn't been completely accurate... freezing to death would be a lot more painful than just 'falling asleep and never waking up again' since you would have to get to that point of numbness before even losing consciousness and to get there you'd have to freeze... obviously... and I'm not totally sure, since I've never been through this, how long, or how awful it would be to thaw after an experience like this... if you have any idea or info I'd love to hear it! Feed back on the story is welcome! :-) Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Meant to Be - Part 2

     I don't know how much time passes while I'm in this state of nothingness, but eventually I awake to a white room and soft fluorescent lighting. I distantly hear hushed voices and footsteps, the clicking, humming and beeping of machines. My body throbs and aches, the pain makes me wonder momentarily if  I've died and somehow ended up in hell, but hell is supposed to be fire and this is just a world of white, closing in around me, pressing on me, am I dreaming?
     A face appears over me, it's familiar... mom? She's saying something but I can only see her lips moving her voice is distant and I wonder what's happening, then I realize I'm closing my eyes. I try to reopen them but I can't, they feel heavy and I feel drowsy. Something bumps me and a shivering pain shoots through me, the kind of pain that doesn't just hurt, it's aches, in an indescribably, excruciating way that leaves you paralyzed and wanting to scream.
     Where am I? What's going on? My whole being is throbbing and aching and my mind feels numbed, like it's been shot with Novocaine. I try to remember what happened, how I got here. A ghost of a memory hovers around the edges of my thoughts, but when I try to make sense of it, it eludes me.
     Finally I give up, trying not to concentrate on the pain in every inch of me, laying totally still because even the slightest jarring is excruciating! I drift back into nothingness, but not the light painful nothingness of before, this time, even nothingness is laced with and haunted by pain!

Meant to Be - Part 1

Possible the beginning of chapter 1 of a novel? As if I need one more story to work on!

It's dark and cold as I step out into the frigid, unfriendly, December night. Wind tears at my jacket, trying to get inside, trying to wrap it's icy arms around me, freeze the life out of my body. But I'm hardly aware of the weather, as the wind whips and slices my face like icy knives. I don't mind the physical cold surrounding me, in fact, it's almost welcome, I wish it could take my mind off of the ache tearing my heart into pieces. So many questions crowd into my mind it feels like I could explode from the emotions I can't name. I beg the tears to come, as if that will take some of the pain but they refuse, my eyes are dry, my heart continues to ache. Why? I scream at the wind, why me? Why the pain? How is it possible to hurt this bad? Each time I hurt a little more, am a little more surprised at the depth of the intense aching pain. Is there such a thing as relief? each level makes me look back at the level before, wondering if I actually was hurting then because if I was, it was nothing like now. I wish I could lay down in one of the snow drifts and never get up. What if I did, just laid down, let myself drift into sleep, a dreamless sleep, a sleep that would last for eternity? I lie down and close my eyes against the immense dark evilness and hate of the world around me. It feels like I'm sinking, I'm no longer cold, warmth rocks me in it's arms, I'm falling through blackness and the ache where my heart once was doesn't exist. I feel empty, emotionless... only peace fills me. My mind is completely numb, darkness wraps around me and I swirl almost dizzily into nothingness. ...
 (to be continued?)


I started out writing this because the first sentence came to me and I wanted to get it down before it disappeared and the rest kinda just flowed. What do you think?

Pain

It’s a deep ache

Like your bleeding

And your heart’s about to break

You can’t stop the feelings

There’s so much at stake

You can’t figure out where you’re going

But you just want it to stop! 

If only you could stop the pain

And the skies are grey

But it refuses to rain

You long for it

Healing rain,

Washing away every strain

The soothing sound like angel’s strains

As it falls

Washing away the walls

Those barriers you’ve built

Trying to keep this out,

This pain,

It’s almost unbearable

And no one can feel it like you do

And you don’t know how to get through

So you pray for the rain

That soothing, healing rain

Washing away the pain

Making everything okay.  

Okay, last post for tonight. This is another poem written end of August. I tend to write when I'm going through things because I like inspired writing. 

I’m shattered like a pane of glass

Torn like a blade of grass,

Trampled like a delicate rose

Like a bullet pierced my chest

I’ll spare you the rest

‘Cause no one knows

The secrets I hide!

I wrote this end of August, don't exactly remember the emotions behind it, but I kinda like it. 

A piece I wrote for school this winter.

Justice   

Anna M. Lofgren

     I was listening to the news and they were talking about Gaddafi’s death. The lady reporter stated that it was unlikely that Gaddafi’s murderer would ever be found and even if he was, would probably not be punished but titled a national hero. Because Gaddafi was so evil and cruel and killed so many people, he was hated by many. Most people feel he deserved his fate.

    I do not hesitate to agree with the majority; Gaddafi definitely deserved death for what he did! But I do wonder at our society’s sense of justice, where it is legal and okay for an unborn baby to be killed and everyone still accepts and loves the abortionist, yet someone who commits homocide or genocide is hated and should be put to death. (Isn’t abortion a form of genocide after all?) Why should one be hated, the other accepted?

    Also, how does killing make killing right? Two wrongs just don’t make a right! What Gaddafi did deserves death, but who are we to judge? We justify Gadaffi’s murderer but condemn Gadaffi! Today, we look at murder as a huge crime next to something like theft, but in God’s eyes, all sins are equal. Jesus said in John 8:7 , when they brought the woman caught in adultery to Him expecting judgement, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”   

    Why do we think Gadaffi is wrong for killing, yet we justify the person who killed him because Gadaffi had killed so many so he deserved it! And what about the abortionist, he kills thousands, yet it’s okay. Where is the justice in this all?

             October 24, 2011