Meant to Be - Part 10

     "Jess, Rita called last night, you were already sleeping and I didn't want to wake you up."
     "What'd she want?" I ask, grabbing the piece of toast mom made me and heading for the door. I overslept this morning and am almost going to be late for school.
     "She wanted to know if you plan to go bowling with the youth group on Friday."
     "Jenna already asked."
     "And?"
     "I'm not going!"
     "Rita said she could pick you up if that was a problem." Mom says anxiously.
     "I can drive myself."
     "So?"
     "I"m not going!" I almost snap, letting the door shut a little harder than I intended.
     The ten minute drive to school, I'm plagued by guilt. I sigh in frustration, at myself and my world.
     "I shouldn't have blown up at her, it wasn't her fault! Why am I so stressed out and why does it bother me to be bugged about youth group?" I ask aloud.
     Maybe I'm afraid of being guilted into going because I know I should want to go to youth group and have a relationship with God. How'd I slip so far?  The thoughts fight their way to the surface and I push them away, not really wanting to know why.
     I manage to make it through the day, mostly avoiding Rita and her friends. But all day my mind won't stop going around... Why do I care? Why does it matter to me? Why do I feel guilty? Finally on the way home I break down,
     "God, fine! You know what? I'll go to Bible study tomorrow if I get up in time and I'll go on Friday... are you happy? Can you just stop bugging me about it?" I slam my car door shut and stalk into the house, in no mood to chat, mom notices and leaves me alone as I slam cupboard doors and rummage carelessly through drawers in the kitchen, looking for something to eat. I find a box of Club Crackers and carry them with me up to my room.
     Tossing my backpack on the floor I flop onto my bed. Lying on my side, propped on one elbow, I stare out the window and munch on the crackers, letting the swaying branches of trees outside my window mesmerize me until reality fades and I'm lost in blank nothingness.

     I walk slowly through the empty school hallway. It's Thursday morning. Suddenly the halls fill with teenagers, hurrying to class, only thinking of themselves, some greet each other, some make themselves the center of attention and some are trying to fade into the crowd so they can get to where they're going without being bothered. I watch those that are just blending in, I've never really taken the time to notice them, now I realize they're all kinda like me. Suddenly it's like I can read what they're thinking, and each of them is hurting, lonely, scared, just like me. Why did I never notice this before? I've been hiding away like I'm the only one. Like no one understands the feeling of being the uncool one! When really all around me are people I could have been reaching out to and helping... people just like me that needed friends! A particular girl sticks out to me, she's familiar, pretty face, too thin, choppy, multicolored hair, ripped skinny jeans and long sleeved shirt. Her makeup is thick and dark, almost as if it's something to hide behind, and I find myself wondering, What's her story? What is in her past that has caused her to become like this? Who is she? Why haven't I talked to her before? I know the reason... even if I'm not very popular, she's really not popular and no one wants to talk to the group she's classified as, it's bad enough to be unpopular and not associated with the freaks! I feel guilty for judging her by the way she looks, for caring more about my reputation than another life. Suddenly someone jostles her and knocks the things she is carrying out of her arms, no one stops to help her, no one even goes around, they keep walking, making it difficult for her to gather her scattered belongings. I can see the tears of frustration gather in her eyes but she blinks them back, too tough to let anyone see her crying. She finally gets her things gathered and I see her head for the bathroom.
      "Hey, I saw what they happened out there, I'm sorry!" I say following her. She turns on me, anger and hurt in her face.
     "You know what? It's really sweet of you to care, but nobody wants fake sympathy! Words mean nothing unless your actions say the same!" she spits cynically. I turn and exit the bathroom feeling hurt and disgusted by her rudeness but slowly the truth sinks into me, no one wants to hear something that you're just saying because you feel you need to. If your words and actions don't match, no one's gonna believe you! And it's not going to help them any to have your fake sympathy.  
   
     I wake with a jerk. It's dark out and everything is still and quiet downstairs. I glance at the clock, 12:09 AM, I lay back against the pillows with a sigh.
     Is that how you feel God? I pretend to everyone that we're okay, but I never do anything about our relationship and if I ever do go to church, I sing empty words that I don't act out and when I pray, it's 'cause I need something... Is that how you feel about me God? Like that girl? 
     I try not to think about it and just go back to sleep, but I can't. I toss and turn for an hour at least, finally I break down.
     I'm sorry for how I've been living. It's not working out! I know I don't even deserve forgiveness, but God, if it's true that you love everyone no matter what they've done, if you can still love me after all I've done this year. God I need you! I want to change! Please help me! 
     As the whispered prayer leaves my lips, peace fills me and I sink into a dreamless sleep.