You get hurt, cage yourself against the world and waste away in the dungeon you built yourself. Fear keeps you strangled and hand cuffed in a dark slimy corner. You are only a shadow of who you were, that child full of life, innocent, naive of the evils of people surrounding you. Friends turn to enemies and suddenly your very happy, alive world is shattered. Shards of porcelain on cement, the delicate rose unaccustomed to such harsh conditions shrivels up and dries out. You build walls, brick by brick to keep everyone out, until you realize you're not alone. Others hurt like you hurt. They hurt you because they hurt.
We're all human, we'd like to believe our hearts are made of duct tape, so strong and invincible, but even duct tape tears and wears, our human hearts and souls are fragile, delicate porcelain, a hunk of ice and every piece chipped off shapes us and we'll never be the same, if you tried putting the chipped pieces back, they'd melt, they'll never fit perfectly.
You take a step out into the pain, your heart screaming at you,
"Go back you fool! You want more pain?"
You know it's like walking on thin, cracking ice and just hoping you don't drown when you fall through but your head argues back firmly,
"You know trust will hurt you, maybe you are a fool, being blind, but there are people who need you, people who hurt that you will understand and touch. Trust is stupid, it hurts, it's scary. But sometimes you gotta brace yourself for the pain and trust. At least you know it's coming, and now you know how far to go with it, just enough to live?..."
And you follow your head 'cause you know we're all chipped ice hearts, shaped by circumstances, looking for answers, all vulnerable, fragile. You aren't alone!
Last night I was looking through my diary and found this un-dated between December 9 and 13 and I wanted to share it. Something a little more positive than what I've been posting lately?:)
We're all human, we'd like to believe our hearts are made of duct tape, so strong and invincible, but even duct tape tears and wears, our human hearts and souls are fragile, delicate porcelain, a hunk of ice and every piece chipped off shapes us and we'll never be the same, if you tried putting the chipped pieces back, they'd melt, they'll never fit perfectly.
You take a step out into the pain, your heart screaming at you,
"Go back you fool! You want more pain?"
You know it's like walking on thin, cracking ice and just hoping you don't drown when you fall through but your head argues back firmly,
"You know trust will hurt you, maybe you are a fool, being blind, but there are people who need you, people who hurt that you will understand and touch. Trust is stupid, it hurts, it's scary. But sometimes you gotta brace yourself for the pain and trust. At least you know it's coming, and now you know how far to go with it, just enough to live?..."
And you follow your head 'cause you know we're all chipped ice hearts, shaped by circumstances, looking for answers, all vulnerable, fragile. You aren't alone!
Last night I was looking through my diary and found this un-dated between December 9 and 13 and I wanted to share it. Something a little more positive than what I've been posting lately?:)
Beautiful post! Such true thoughts.... If we don't take the risk we can't touch or be touched. Good to make those risks carefully but surely.... Keep reaching out. I love you and treasure the moments you open your heart and life to me. Blessings, Mom
ReplyDeleteThe first time I read this I saw you and your heart for others that are hurting... The second time I read this, just now, was right after a blow-up with Mom that I couldn't understand. All I could see is that she lied to me. For the second major time in a week. I wanted to quit trusting Mom altogether; she's too much like Dad. And if I keep trusting her will she break my trust as bad as Dad has? I was tempted to start the process of drawing back that you described the outcome of... And as I read I realized that I already had started. I see myself fitting exactly into your writing... Maybe she's only breaking these promises because she's hurting so much that she can't see what she's actually doing? Maybe she isn't "just like Dad?" Maybe there is a way to trust her again?
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I feel your pain! I think that there is a way to trust again, I don't know that I've fully found that out but I'm rootin for you in this struggle for forgiveness and healing and I know it's all gonna be okay eventually even though it doesn't feel like it right now! *Hugs!*
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