"2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake, 'Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season' Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes like they have any right at all to criticize, hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason..."
I'm obsessed with this song. And at this point have replayed it at least a dozen times as I study. I have a test tomorrow morning. I've gone over the study questions a bit but I know that I'm not but I can't seem to make myself concentrate. So much has been happening, in the last week especially, I'm stressed and exhausted and I don't know if I can do this. Now it's past 11 I'm ready for sleep but I sit down to the computer and pull out my study sheet, forcing myself to focus for the next two hours until I've gone over the whole thing. By the time I've written down the last answer I'm so tired that ironically I don't want to sleep, I don't know that I could if I wanted.
I'm laying in bed, watching the time slip closer to when my alarm will obnoxiously insist that class is only 45 minutes away and I have to get out of the warmth and comfort of my bed and face the world. A bit after 3 I finally close my eyes. I must have been almost asleep because when my phone rings I wake up to answer it. I hear noise at the other end of the line but they're not talking to me so I hang up, figuring it was a pocket dial but she calls again. This time her voice on the other end is shaky and so full of confusion and pain.
"Four days shy of three months. I broke down and went out to the bar tonight. I'm drunk Jaimee."
"Really?" I'm hardly following what she's saying.
"I've had a really rough week though! I got raped." My body tingles.
"Oh my word." I half whisper.
"I know." I can hear the tears as she talks. "I just don't want to be alone! You're only the second person I've told." We talk for a few minutes. More of the story comes out little by little. She's repeating herself. Drunk. Upset. Terrified. Terrified that she's not as strong as she always believed, disgusted with herself for being so broken and weak, for letting someone hear her cry. I offer to come over.
"You don't need to. I'll be okay." I don't know how long this conversation will be but I know that she needs me. As long as I've known her she's never been this upset. I've seen her cry once. She's always that strong person, helping everyone else.
"Ok." Five minutes later,
"I don't wanna be alone tonight, you want to come over? I just want a hug! I don't know how I should be feeling right now!" I'm out of bed and grabbing clothes, packing stuff for tomorrow.
"I'm heading out now. I'll be there in ten minutes." I assure her as I hunt down my keys.
"You don't have to. I'll be fine." Her voice contradicts her words.
"I want to come! You've been there for me! And now you need someone. I'm coming." I say leaving no room for argument on the case. Not like she would argue anyways.
"I know I can lock my door and my windows but I just don't feel safe!" She sobs.
"I'm so sorry!" I can't think of what else to say.
"I just need a hug!" she repeats.
"I'm on my way almost to the campus and I'll give you one." I promise. I pull into an empty parking space.
"Okay, I'll come down and let you in." we finally end the conversation. I shut my lights off and lock my car then walk towards her, she staggers to me and falls into my arms. My heart aches and tears burn my eyes. How can someone be this twisted? The thought that keeps running through my mind, 'I hope he can't sleep. I hope that what he did is torturing his conscience.' murderous thoughts are surfacing.
"I was doing a good deed and this is what I get?" her words are tormented. "I was going to pick up some friends from a party so they wouldn't have to drive drunk and my car stalled out on one of the back roads. I got out thinking I could fix maybe jiggle some wires when I realized a car coming from the opposite direction had slowed down and stopped not far behind me. He asked if I was having car troubles and I told him I was but figured I could mess around with it and fix it. Next thing I know he hit me upside the head."
I sit on her bed next to her, the TV is playing some paid programming show. She talks. Her emotions range from angry to hurt to confused and terrified.
It's 45 mins until my first class, both my alarms have gone off. I finally shower and gather my things.
"Jaimee! Please don't leave!" She begs. "I don't want you to go." my heart is torn. I know I need to make it to class but she needs me too. I stay a few minutes longer. I'm going to be late. I need coffee. Finally I tear myself away from her. Leaving her with a hug and promising to come back.
Her words, her plea, Jaimee, why are men such jerks? mix together and jumble with my own painfully broken history with men It's 2 AM and she calls me 'cause she knows I'm still awake... is repeating itself over and over in the back of my mind. Seems like it's my life song.
I'm sick. If he could see what he had reduced her to would he be sorry? How could anyone take advantage of a vulnerable, innocent and trusting person? How can you live with yourself knowing what you've done? All I can think is Breathe, just breathe! I close my eyes and suck in my breath, bracing myself against a long painful day.
The sun is peeping through the trees on campus and I see a tall figure standing among the trees overlooking the lake. I have the greatest longing to be held by him and as I move towards him he reaches out to me. I let him hold me and I let myself fall apart, deep heaving breaths.
I'm obsessed with this song. And at this point have replayed it at least a dozen times as I study. I have a test tomorrow morning. I've gone over the study questions a bit but I know that I'm not but I can't seem to make myself concentrate. So much has been happening, in the last week especially, I'm stressed and exhausted and I don't know if I can do this. Now it's past 11 I'm ready for sleep but I sit down to the computer and pull out my study sheet, forcing myself to focus for the next two hours until I've gone over the whole thing. By the time I've written down the last answer I'm so tired that ironically I don't want to sleep, I don't know that I could if I wanted.
I'm laying in bed, watching the time slip closer to when my alarm will obnoxiously insist that class is only 45 minutes away and I have to get out of the warmth and comfort of my bed and face the world. A bit after 3 I finally close my eyes. I must have been almost asleep because when my phone rings I wake up to answer it. I hear noise at the other end of the line but they're not talking to me so I hang up, figuring it was a pocket dial but she calls again. This time her voice on the other end is shaky and so full of confusion and pain.
"Four days shy of three months. I broke down and went out to the bar tonight. I'm drunk Jaimee."
"Really?" I'm hardly following what she's saying.
"I've had a really rough week though! I got raped." My body tingles.
"Oh my word." I half whisper.
"I know." I can hear the tears as she talks. "I just don't want to be alone! You're only the second person I've told." We talk for a few minutes. More of the story comes out little by little. She's repeating herself. Drunk. Upset. Terrified. Terrified that she's not as strong as she always believed, disgusted with herself for being so broken and weak, for letting someone hear her cry. I offer to come over.
"You don't need to. I'll be okay." I don't know how long this conversation will be but I know that she needs me. As long as I've known her she's never been this upset. I've seen her cry once. She's always that strong person, helping everyone else.
"Ok." Five minutes later,
"I don't wanna be alone tonight, you want to come over? I just want a hug! I don't know how I should be feeling right now!" I'm out of bed and grabbing clothes, packing stuff for tomorrow.
"I'm heading out now. I'll be there in ten minutes." I assure her as I hunt down my keys.
"You don't have to. I'll be fine." Her voice contradicts her words.
"I want to come! You've been there for me! And now you need someone. I'm coming." I say leaving no room for argument on the case. Not like she would argue anyways.
"I know I can lock my door and my windows but I just don't feel safe!" She sobs.
"I'm so sorry!" I can't think of what else to say.
"I just need a hug!" she repeats.
"I'm on my way almost to the campus and I'll give you one." I promise. I pull into an empty parking space.
"Okay, I'll come down and let you in." we finally end the conversation. I shut my lights off and lock my car then walk towards her, she staggers to me and falls into my arms. My heart aches and tears burn my eyes. How can someone be this twisted? The thought that keeps running through my mind, 'I hope he can't sleep. I hope that what he did is torturing his conscience.' murderous thoughts are surfacing.
"I was doing a good deed and this is what I get?" her words are tormented. "I was going to pick up some friends from a party so they wouldn't have to drive drunk and my car stalled out on one of the back roads. I got out thinking I could fix maybe jiggle some wires when I realized a car coming from the opposite direction had slowed down and stopped not far behind me. He asked if I was having car troubles and I told him I was but figured I could mess around with it and fix it. Next thing I know he hit me upside the head."
I sit on her bed next to her, the TV is playing some paid programming show. She talks. Her emotions range from angry to hurt to confused and terrified.
It's 45 mins until my first class, both my alarms have gone off. I finally shower and gather my things.
"Jaimee! Please don't leave!" She begs. "I don't want you to go." my heart is torn. I know I need to make it to class but she needs me too. I stay a few minutes longer. I'm going to be late. I need coffee. Finally I tear myself away from her. Leaving her with a hug and promising to come back.
Her words, her plea, Jaimee, why are men such jerks? mix together and jumble with my own painfully broken history with men It's 2 AM and she calls me 'cause she knows I'm still awake... is repeating itself over and over in the back of my mind. Seems like it's my life song.
I'm sick. If he could see what he had reduced her to would he be sorry? How could anyone take advantage of a vulnerable, innocent and trusting person? How can you live with yourself knowing what you've done? All I can think is Breathe, just breathe! I close my eyes and suck in my breath, bracing myself against a long painful day.
The sun is peeping through the trees on campus and I see a tall figure standing among the trees overlooking the lake. I have the greatest longing to be held by him and as I move towards him he reaches out to me. I let him hold me and I let myself fall apart, deep heaving breaths.
'Talk to me.' I look up into his concerned face, my own full of confusion. I summarize what happened and he holds me tighter.
'I'm sorry.' There is nothing else to say. Nothing gives back what was taken, no words can heal the hurt in that moment.
Breathe, just breathe! I remind myself. I take a deep breath and as we walk to class I try to exhale all the awful pain in my chest.
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