Originally posted with the title Haunted on Wordpress then re-posted as Fate on my Tumblr. I was just having fun with words, but I gotta admit this was written during one of my dark periods.
Sometimes I feel so hollow and empty and void inside, just full of darkness in an unfilled, lonely, aching way and yet it’s numb…. how can u feel so much and so little at once. Angry black clouds thundering over my soul, lightning ripping through my heart, tearing me to pieces and I shatter like porcelain and fall to the ground like a scared little girl, building walls around myself to block out the pain but it’s inside of me, echoing on the stone walls, the vast emptiness inside me hurling the words, swirling around me until I sink into the deepest despair, hurting myself worse by trying to block myself from the light where no love can touch me.
I tend daily to the grudges and scars like a little flower garden, but it’s a garden the color of death, everything shades of grey and wilted and dead. Everything breathes cold aloneness and desolate, barren, wastelands, like frozen muck ruts in winter…. snow covering everything in sight, snow is beautiful right? But something about this isn’t beautiful in the slightest, not that I can see, can you find beauty through lonely aching, through gaping wounds that won’t heal, hot pus oozing from the disgusting scabs, and the scars are worse, ugly, thick and fluorescent white… sticking out marring the landscape.
I need someone, I KNOW I need someone, but I can’t get through the walls I made, the fortress I’ve built to guard my heart has become my own prison and I claw the walls til my fingers bleed and I won’t get anywhere. As I lay my head against the wall and watch the streaks of blood from my torn fingers run slowly down the stone wall towards the ground thirsting for my blood the tears come, hot tears almost blood themselves. What have I become?
The demons inside of me are tearing me apart and I can’t escape, I can’t climb the walls of this hell hole I’m trapped inside, I can’t claw through them, there’s no way to escape, so I just turn and look my demons in the eyes, facing my fate head on spreading my arms not even flinching when they shred my chest to get to my heart and soul. I look at in their hands and am empty, I don’t feel, I don’t think, I’m like a zombie as they chain me against the cool clammy walls. I sink to the miry, cold, hard floor without a struggle… I’m resigned to my fate… spending eternity in this dark wasteland reeking of death inside of me.
Sometimes I feel so hollow and empty and void inside, just full of darkness in an unfilled, lonely, aching way and yet it’s numb…. how can u feel so much and so little at once. Angry black clouds thundering over my soul, lightning ripping through my heart, tearing me to pieces and I shatter like porcelain and fall to the ground like a scared little girl, building walls around myself to block out the pain but it’s inside of me, echoing on the stone walls, the vast emptiness inside me hurling the words, swirling around me until I sink into the deepest despair, hurting myself worse by trying to block myself from the light where no love can touch me.
I tend daily to the grudges and scars like a little flower garden, but it’s a garden the color of death, everything shades of grey and wilted and dead. Everything breathes cold aloneness and desolate, barren, wastelands, like frozen muck ruts in winter…. snow covering everything in sight, snow is beautiful right? But something about this isn’t beautiful in the slightest, not that I can see, can you find beauty through lonely aching, through gaping wounds that won’t heal, hot pus oozing from the disgusting scabs, and the scars are worse, ugly, thick and fluorescent white… sticking out marring the landscape.
I need someone, I KNOW I need someone, but I can’t get through the walls I made, the fortress I’ve built to guard my heart has become my own prison and I claw the walls til my fingers bleed and I won’t get anywhere. As I lay my head against the wall and watch the streaks of blood from my torn fingers run slowly down the stone wall towards the ground thirsting for my blood the tears come, hot tears almost blood themselves. What have I become?
The demons inside of me are tearing me apart and I can’t escape, I can’t climb the walls of this hell hole I’m trapped inside, I can’t claw through them, there’s no way to escape, so I just turn and look my demons in the eyes, facing my fate head on spreading my arms not even flinching when they shred my chest to get to my heart and soul. I look at in their hands and am empty, I don’t feel, I don’t think, I’m like a zombie as they chain me against the cool clammy walls. I sink to the miry, cold, hard floor without a struggle… I’m resigned to my fate… spending eternity in this dark wasteland reeking of death inside of me.
You don't have to stay there... He has offered a way out, you just have to cry to Him! He WILL help you if you only ask!
ReplyDelete"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." (Colossians 1:13-14)
Anna, please join us. The pain is still real, but in Christ it is not the pain of despair, but the pain of the immense struggle preluding victory.
There is hope in Jesus.
Whoa! You sound depressed. Its good writing but it sounds kinda' suicidal. And I totally agree with whoever made the last comment!
ReplyDeleteI love you! And if you want, you can call me and I'll give you a BIIIIIG bear hug over the phone! :) ~Lavina