Okay, there have been a few errors, two different names for Jessica's best friend, it was Kelly then Stel, I changed it all to Kelly, and also when the neighbor came to plow and picked her up, the distance thing, I rewrote that little clip there so hopefully it's more clear! Excuse any grammatical or spelling errors, if there ever is a pre-published copy those will be edited out I'm sure! :P But honestly if there is anything that is unclear or confusing, would be better changed or needs fixing, please point it out to me!! Thanks for taking time to read this and for all the encouragement and help! :)
I slip under the covers in the darkness, closing my eyes, trying to close out the bad memories, hoping to sleep, but sleep evades me.
"Jessica!" I'm five years old and Dad just got home from work.
"Daddy!" I run to him, clinging to his legs. He swoops me into the air and catches me.
"How's my little Angel?" he grins kissing my hair.
"Good!" I giggle, " Mom let me have cookies and I had a tea party for Dolly and Growly Bear! Growly Bear was being bad and not minding his manners so he had to go in the corner!" I say soberly.
"Uh oh!" Dad shakes his head and clicks his tongue. It always makes me laugh when he does this and he laughs with me, a deep, wonderful, daddy chuckle! Dad kisses mom who's setting supper on, I grimace, then helps me wash my hands and sit to the table.
Danny comes out of his room, his nose in a book. He tosses it onto the counter and seats him self, so grown up for only being ten!
"What you reading Dan?" Dad asks. Danny loves when Dad calls him Dan, it makes him feel like a man.
"A book about pirates." Danny says, leaning forwards eagerly and animatedly recounting a gruesome pirate tale of Blackbeard and his crew. I listen intently, staring with large eyes at his face, soaking it in.
"Shush!" Mom scolds, setting a dish of steaming mashed potatoes on the table. "That's not fit for Jessie's ears!"
"But I like them mom!" I protest. She looks at me reprovingly.
It's quiet long enough for Dad to bless the meal, then Danny and I are talking over each other, through mouthfuls of mom's delicious mashed potatoes and gravy.
I sob into my pillow as I remember all the fun times with Dad and Danny, the loss cuts me open, bleeding, aching, lonely.
After a while there's a knock on my door. I don't answer and my door opens.
"Jessica?" I'm silent. "Are you okay?" Mom sits on the edge of my bed.
"No!" I sob. "Mom!" I can't say anything else and for a while mom just holds me.
"You're hair!" she whispers, running her fingers through my chopped off locks. I sniffle,
"I had to cut it (sniffle) off!" I say starting to calm down a bit.
"Oh Jessica!" I can almost hear a smile in her voice as she says this, remembering the haircut I gave myself when I was seven that turned out similarly.
"Sorry Mom!" I half laugh and then I'm crying again. "It had to go!" I insist. Mom is silent, inviting me to go on if I wish. I cautiously mention my pregnancy.
"Are you angry?" I wonder.
"No, sad, not angry, I've had enough time to process my feelings about it waiting for you to talk about it." Mom voice is full of emotion.
"That's worse!" I hiccough. "I'd rather you be angry than... hurt."
"Oh honey!" mom says tenderly, "Not sad, like disappointed in you. I'm sad for you, that you had to go through this all and mostly by yourself!"
"When I took the test and it was positive, I didn't know how I'd ever tell you! I knew you'd be so disappointed." I sigh.
"I ached every day, watching you carry your secret alone and then when the rumors got out, but I decided to let you come to me with it when you were ready and not force your confidence."
"You new?" I ask surprised, trying to figure out a way she could have found out.
"I had a feeling." I'm silent.
"I think I want to keep it." I say finally. Mom nods as moonlight spills through the shades, soft cream bars of light.
"If you feel that's best for everyone." mom agrees.
"I think I'll forever regret it if I let her be adopted." I say decidedly.
"Now, Jessica! Don't get your mind set on a girl." Mom chides gently.
"I know. It just feels like it should be a girl!" With Trent's eyes and hair! I add mentally and my heart longs to hold him again. My mind tells me I'm better off without him, but my heart still years for him and his love...Wait! Love? He never loved me! I start to cry again. "I just wanted to make him love me mom!" I sob, deep, wrenching sobs shake me from the depths of my aching heart. Mom wraps her arms around me again and holds me until I've calmed down again.
Mom has never seen me this vulnerable, and I've never shared this deep, we've always been on okay terms but never this close. I feel vulnerable and yet, it feels safe. I look at her and the moonlight highlights a single tear running down her cheek. My eyes are puffy and hot and red from all the tears, I'm glad for the darkness. I pluck a tissue from the box on the nightstand and blow my nose loudly several times, somehow it makes me feel better. I try to smile at mom.
"I think I"ll be okay, I'm going to try to sleep."
"Alright." Mom get's up, "goodnight." she says for the second time.
"Goodnight, and mom, thanks! I say, our eyes meet in the semi dark. She smiles and hugs me quickly and leaves. As she goes down the steps, I catch a faint sob, but I'm not certain. I wish I could hold her and comfort her the way she does for me, but instead I whisper a quick prayer,
"God, I know she believes You care and only You can comfort her, so please be with her tonight!"
I slip under the covers in the darkness, closing my eyes, trying to close out the bad memories, hoping to sleep, but sleep evades me.
"Jessica!" I'm five years old and Dad just got home from work.
"Daddy!" I run to him, clinging to his legs. He swoops me into the air and catches me.
"How's my little Angel?" he grins kissing my hair.
"Good!" I giggle, " Mom let me have cookies and I had a tea party for Dolly and Growly Bear! Growly Bear was being bad and not minding his manners so he had to go in the corner!" I say soberly.
"Uh oh!" Dad shakes his head and clicks his tongue. It always makes me laugh when he does this and he laughs with me, a deep, wonderful, daddy chuckle! Dad kisses mom who's setting supper on, I grimace, then helps me wash my hands and sit to the table.
Danny comes out of his room, his nose in a book. He tosses it onto the counter and seats him self, so grown up for only being ten!
"What you reading Dan?" Dad asks. Danny loves when Dad calls him Dan, it makes him feel like a man.
"A book about pirates." Danny says, leaning forwards eagerly and animatedly recounting a gruesome pirate tale of Blackbeard and his crew. I listen intently, staring with large eyes at his face, soaking it in.
"Shush!" Mom scolds, setting a dish of steaming mashed potatoes on the table. "That's not fit for Jessie's ears!"
"But I like them mom!" I protest. She looks at me reprovingly.
It's quiet long enough for Dad to bless the meal, then Danny and I are talking over each other, through mouthfuls of mom's delicious mashed potatoes and gravy.
I sob into my pillow as I remember all the fun times with Dad and Danny, the loss cuts me open, bleeding, aching, lonely.
After a while there's a knock on my door. I don't answer and my door opens.
"Jessica?" I'm silent. "Are you okay?" Mom sits on the edge of my bed.
"No!" I sob. "Mom!" I can't say anything else and for a while mom just holds me.
"You're hair!" she whispers, running her fingers through my chopped off locks. I sniffle,
"I had to cut it (sniffle) off!" I say starting to calm down a bit.
"Oh Jessica!" I can almost hear a smile in her voice as she says this, remembering the haircut I gave myself when I was seven that turned out similarly.
"Sorry Mom!" I half laugh and then I'm crying again. "It had to go!" I insist. Mom is silent, inviting me to go on if I wish. I cautiously mention my pregnancy.
"Are you angry?" I wonder.
"No, sad, not angry, I've had enough time to process my feelings about it waiting for you to talk about it." Mom voice is full of emotion.
"That's worse!" I hiccough. "I'd rather you be angry than... hurt."
"Oh honey!" mom says tenderly, "Not sad, like disappointed in you. I'm sad for you, that you had to go through this all and mostly by yourself!"
"When I took the test and it was positive, I didn't know how I'd ever tell you! I knew you'd be so disappointed." I sigh.
"I ached every day, watching you carry your secret alone and then when the rumors got out, but I decided to let you come to me with it when you were ready and not force your confidence."
"You new?" I ask surprised, trying to figure out a way she could have found out.
"I had a feeling." I'm silent.
"I think I want to keep it." I say finally. Mom nods as moonlight spills through the shades, soft cream bars of light.
"If you feel that's best for everyone." mom agrees.
"I think I'll forever regret it if I let her be adopted." I say decidedly.
"Now, Jessica! Don't get your mind set on a girl." Mom chides gently.
"I know. It just feels like it should be a girl!" With Trent's eyes and hair! I add mentally and my heart longs to hold him again. My mind tells me I'm better off without him, but my heart still years for him and his love...Wait! Love? He never loved me! I start to cry again. "I just wanted to make him love me mom!" I sob, deep, wrenching sobs shake me from the depths of my aching heart. Mom wraps her arms around me again and holds me until I've calmed down again.
Mom has never seen me this vulnerable, and I've never shared this deep, we've always been on okay terms but never this close. I feel vulnerable and yet, it feels safe. I look at her and the moonlight highlights a single tear running down her cheek. My eyes are puffy and hot and red from all the tears, I'm glad for the darkness. I pluck a tissue from the box on the nightstand and blow my nose loudly several times, somehow it makes me feel better. I try to smile at mom.
"I think I"ll be okay, I'm going to try to sleep."
"Alright." Mom get's up, "goodnight." she says for the second time.
"Goodnight, and mom, thanks! I say, our eyes meet in the semi dark. She smiles and hugs me quickly and leaves. As she goes down the steps, I catch a faint sob, but I'm not certain. I wish I could hold her and comfort her the way she does for me, but instead I whisper a quick prayer,
"God, I know she believes You care and only You can comfort her, so please be with her tonight!"
Annie --- I feel like crying...this is so sweet and sad! Good writing...
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