Mean to Be - Part 5

Okay, decided to post it after all so here's Part 5... This might be a little disorganized, I wrote on it for quite a while and my thoughts tend to kinda just muddle together and maybe  conflict with each other and I get to the end and am not sure if I actually got my point across how I wanted to say it, so I may go back and re-write it like I did with the first three parts but for now, it's like it is. Any ideas or thoughts?

 

“Where are the flowers from?” I ask noticing them for the first time in the dim room. Bouquets of brightly colored flowers and a pile of notes. Mom smiles,
    “The church people.”
    “Really? Can I have the notes?” she hands them to me and I open the top one, Rita Mckinely,
    
    Dear Jessica,
        I was so sorry to hear about the accident but I thank God that he spared your life, you would’ve been terribly missed! I’m praying for a speedy recovery and safety for you and your little one!
    I miss you at bible study before classes, and I’m really sorry about everything that’s happened at school. You don’t deserve it. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive and go on. Hugs to you!
I love you and God does too! I’m here if you ever need to talk!
Love,
Rita M.

    Tears fill my eyes, Rita! Rita was one of the less popular girls, even in the bible study. She was quiet and as I thought back, I realized she had never judged me once and had gone out of her way to show me love, though I was too caught up in my anger and bitterness to notice her love. I had been focusing on the wrong things.
    I open the rest of the cards, they’re all encouraging notes of love, ‘We’re praying, we love you, thanking God that you’re still with us, recover soon!’ type of notes, but I knew they weren’t just writing these things, they really meant them! They actually cared!
    “Mom, you said the church was praying for me?” I say quietly.
    “Yes.” mom answers, unaware of the struggle going on inside and the contents of the notes. I’ve pretty much given up on God, and I quit going to church a couple months ago, soon after my secret got out to the whole school. I’ve mostly rejected the church, knowing that they cared enough to pray for me touches me.
    “Wow!” I whisper. People practicing what they preach... unconditional love... These people are real!
    My mind goes to the rejection that I have experienced over and over, from friends who were Christian, the group at school, I used to go to their bible study every week, but then when Stel, who had been a strong Christian and the biggest influence on me, the one that had first pointed me towards Christ, had slipped up and eventually betrayed me, I’d used it as my excuse to slip too and the way that the Christian students looked down their noses at me as I walked by in the halls after they found my secret drove me further from God.
    Finding not forgiveness, but rejection in my situation, I pulled away from God and sank lower and lower into this dark misery. Anger, fear, bitterness all building up until I felt I could explode, walking the halls of school, I felt alone and angry, at God and the hypocrites who called themselves Christians, who were too perfect to slip up and who judged me with only half the story, as if they were above falling.
    But these were true Christians, truly living out God’s love, caring about my life.
    I realized as I lay in silence and mom sat next to me, holding my hand, that I had been focusing on my pain, building walls to keep the pain out and I had walled myself in so that I couldn’t be touched by those that still were trying to love me.
    “Thanks mom!” I whispered through my tears,
    “For what?” mom looked surprised.
    “For sitting with me, I’m sure you’ve got better things to do!”
    “I don’t have anything to do that can’t wait until my precious daughter is okay. I wasn’t going to leave you alone!” mom says, gently stroking my hair.
     I'm touched, I suddenly feel a new appreciation for all my mom’s done for me and Danny over the years and my heart warms, if I could I’d give her a great big hug and tell her what she means to me I would, but my mouth doesn’t move to say the words and I can’t hug her, I just lie perfectly still and close my eyes. Silently asking God to bless her and  thanking Him for my mother’s love, a love so deep, only the love of God is greater!