Meant to Be Part 1-3 re-written

So I edited the story, added some to the beginning, developed it a bit more... Thanks to Rachael for her ideas! :)  What do you think? Also I'm working on a fourth part and may add it today. We'll see how it goes. And one more thing... I added a 'follow by email' option on this blog, so if you want to get updates by email it's on the top right corner and you just have to type in your email address there. And here's the re-written version of the first three parts. Hope you enjoy!

It's dark and cold as I step out into the frigid, unfriendly, December night. Wind tears at my jacket, trying to get inside, trying to wrap it's icy arms around me, freeze the life out of my body. But I'm hardly aware of the weather, as the wind whips and slices my face like icy knives. I don't mind the physical cold surrounding me, in fact, it's almost welcome, I wish it could take my mind off of the ache tearing my heart into pieces. So many questions crowd into my mind it feels like I could explode from the emotions I can't name. I beg the tears to come, as if that will take some of the pain but they refuse, my eyes are dry, my heart continues to ache. Why? I scream at the wind, why me? Why the pain? How is it possible to hurt this bad? Each time I hurt a little more, am a little more surprised at the depth of the intense aching pain. Is there such a thing as relief? each level makes me look back at the level before, wondering if I actually was hurting then because if I was, it was nothing like now. I wish I could lay down in one of the snow drifts and never get up. What if I did, just laid down, let myself drift into sleep, a dreamless sleep, a sleep that would last for eternity? I lie down in a snow bank. And close my eyes against the immense dark evilness and hate of the world around me. It doesn't happen how I think it will, a fading into darkness, losing all my pain and slipping away to a world of nothingness.

I feel the chilling wetness of snow seeping through my clothes, my fingers begin to ache with cold and my toes, I'm not wearing gloves or boots, just street shoes and a thin coat. My jeans are wet and cling to my legs that are starting to feel like icicles... is this really the best way to go?

I think about the hurts that have been building and building all around me, tearing at my heart, ripping me to pieces; Danny's death two weeks ago, he was in the infantry posted in Afghanistan and had been shot in combat. Danny was 21, despite being four years older than me, we were the only children and very close. Now it was just mom and me, we had already lost dad to cancer when I was 10. Loneliness fills me and my body shakes uncontrollably. Is it the tears that are now falling, sobs racking my freezing body? Or is it the cold? My feet and hands are starting to numb.

My mind continues to mull over the things that feel like they're ruining my life. Kelly. Fresh sobs rack my body, now that they're finally coming, they won't stop. Kelly and I have been best friends since the 1^st grade. Sharing secrets, sleep overs, discussing guys and our newest crushes, shopping, we've done all the things best friends do, for the last ten years! Has it really been ten years? It seems in a way like forever and yet it seems like yesterday we were shy little 1^st graders, both new to a big scary school with a big unfamiliar class of kids who all knew each other. And we just clicked from that first day, inseparable from that day on. You almost never saw one of us without the other.

I half smile, my frozen lips feel thick and numb, my face is cold, I clumsily reach up to feel my face, it feels like it's being pricked with a million needles, my hand is numb and I can hardly feel my face, it doesn't feel like my hand even, it feels like someone else is touching my face with cold lifeless fingers.

“Why?” I whisper into the chilling black night. “Why'd you do this to me Stel? I thought we would be best friends forever!” It had been almost a month now, living like this, questioning every last word that she said, wondering if it was all lies, since that day she'd betrayed me. I'd told her my biggest secret, something I hadn't told anyone, not even Danny, and within a week, the whole school knew. I'd felt her pulling away this school year, little by little, leaning towards the 'in group', Sophie was the leader and hated me so I wasn't welcome, but Phil one of the 'in guys' thought Stel was pretty hot so they'd let her in and she'd been hanging less and less with me, and now this, total rejection and pain, but now she was kissing up to me again, like she might get popularity from being friends with a girl who's brother had died as a soldier, like she wanted to be part of my life again. And part of me ached to let her back in, to let her be my friend, to trust her again, but the biggest part of my heart pushed her away, knowing I couldn't trust her, refusing to trust again, even after ten years. How could something like this shatter our friendship? I kept trying to convince myself that maybe it was for the best, but nothing felt like it was for the best. Everything was dark and scary and painful.

October. I'll never be able to think of Halloween in the same way. The tears have stopped and I'm not shivering as much, though my whole body still hurts and I can't think clearly. October? What happened in October again? Oh yeah. The party... guilt floods back over me. I'm not only harming my own life, taking my own life. I have to get up, gotta keep fighting... not for myself... I try to sit up, I roll over slowly and stand unsteadily. My legs are stiff and my feet feel like cement blocks. I haven't walked too far, maybe I can make it home.

I start to wonder why I even considered suicide as an option to start with. I can't feel my body parts, they all feel separate like they don't belong to me, like someone else just glued them onto me and they were the wrong size for my body. I stumble a few steps and then fall to my knees, hot, tingling pain shoots up my arms and the tears start to flow again, I feel so helpless, maybe I could just rest for a moment here, but my stubborn streak kicks in and I drag myself a few more steps, before collapsing again. I can't give up! I've got to make it back to the house! I try to convince myself. But I'm too tired.

I never thought I would stoop this low, I've always been a fighter, never though I would ever just give in... I can't go on! I lie down again, unable to move, I want to move, I want to get up I want to make it back, but I can't, I can't move a muscle.

“Oh God, I know, I haven't talked to you in a while, but please! Don't let me be responsible for taking this -” I'm spinning, sinking, no longer feel so cold, warmth rocks me in it's arms, I'm falling through blackness and the ache where my heart once was doesn't exist. I feel empty, emotionless... My mind is completely numb, darkness wraps around me and I swirl almost dizzily into nothingness...

I have no idea how much time passes while I'm in this state of nothingness, but eventually I awake to a white room, it's almost dark. Distantly I hear hushed voices and footsteps, the clicking, humming and beeping of machines. My body throbs and aches, the pain makes me wonder momentarily if I've died and somehow ended up in hell, but hell is supposed to be fire and this is just a world of white closing in around me, pressing in on me, am I dreaming?

A face appears over me, it's familiar... mom? She's saying something but I can only see her lips moving, her voice is distant and I can't concentrate on her words. What's happening? I relize I'm closing my eyes. I try to reopen them but I can't. They feel heavy and I hurt, something bumps me and a shivering pain shoots through me, the kind of pain that doesn't just hurt, it aches in an indescribably excruciating way that leaves you paralyzed and wanting to scream.

Where am I? What's going on? My whole being is throbbing and aching and my mind feels numbed, like it's been shot with Novocaine. I try to remember what happened, how I got here. A ghost of a memory hovers around the edges of my thoughts but when I try to make sense of it, but it eludes me. Finally I give up. Trying not to concentrate on the pain in every inch of me, lying totally still because even the slightest jarring is excruciating! I drift back into nothingness, but not the light painful nothingness I experienced before, this time, even nothingness is laced with haunting pain!

I have lost all track of time anymore, I don't know how long I've been here. My days are spent drifting in and out of sleep and trying the handle the intense knife like pain haunting every waking hour and every dream. It seems to be consuming me, I can't think of anything else! People come and go, the nurses and my mom, but I'm hardly aware of them. I can't keep track of them, everything is a blur.

Questions begin to fill my mind and emotions so strong, almost worse than the intense pain. What happened? I thought I'd freeze to death. My mind begins to thaw and I remember the horrible chilling darkness enveloping me, the way I felt so hopelessly lost, realizing I couldn't give up then giving up anyways. Guilt stabs me and I reach to touch my stomach, ignoring the pain shooting through me. It's less than before but still very present in every moment. Who found me and brought me into the hospital? That must be where I am, nurses and the strong odor of hospital, and the eternal dim lit white walls, it's so horribly dull but I don't have time or energy to think about it. Why did they save me? I find myself torn between gratefulness and hate for whoever rescued me from death to revive me to this horrible torture. Why didn't God just let me die? It would've been easier! How long ago was that night? It seems just moments ago and yet, it feel like an eternity of pain has gone by! It's funny how conflicting time can feel.

“Jess! Jessica?” I pry my eyes open, who's talking to me? I feel hazy at first but force myself to focus. It's mom. Is it... is she... crying? Pain shoots through me, not physical pain, the pain you feel with your heart, that deep ache you experience when you see someone you love hurting, that stab of guilt for being so selfish. Almost taking two lives and leaving mom alone!

How could I hurt her like this? I got so caught up in my own grief and hurts that I totally tuned out mom's grief. I just about skipped out on her, the very same thing that I'd been so hurt by my best friend... ex-best friend, doing to me. Except, she hadn't attempted suicide she's still living... which hurts almost worse!