Taking a short break from 'Meant to Be' to write this, hoping to put up part 6 of 'Meant to Be' soon.
I stand alone against a wall in the foyer. People are crowding down the single isle of the small auditorium, down the steps to where I'm standing.
I longingly watch a small group of girls my age, three of them are a bit older than me and two younger, one is my sister. I watch my ex-best friend, part of the group, and loneliness sweeps over me. It may be partly my fault that we're no longer friends, but it just feels hard to fit in!
We've been here for two years now and I still feel like an outsider, most of the people here have attended this church for years and are all like a big cliquish family, it's hard to feel a part of them. My mind comes back to the group of girls, I notice Anita and Londa are wearing matching, new red dresses. It feels so unfair!
They've always got the newest best styles. I try to copy them but my styles never look as neat and nice as theirs, I just don't fit in to this group!
Little Lola comes running to me and jolts me from my thoughts of self pity. She gives me her sweet little grin and my heart warms.
"'Side!" she smiles pointing a chubby baby finger at the door.
"Should we go outside?" I smile. She nods and giggles. I pick her up and we head outside. I greet the girls as I pass them, faking a smile.
The wind tousles Lola's hair and she smiles at me a smile of pure sweetness that I can't help returning, this little girl has a special place in my heart. I set her on the swing and push her.
"Is that too high?" I wonder she shakes her head clinging to the chains to stay on, still smiling, though a little less certain. I study her, her blondish brown hair, large hazel eyes, with long delicate lashes, that make it look like she's wearing loads of mascara. An innocent, trusting, cherub face. She kicks her feet at me and I dodge,
"You almost got me!" I say, she laughs and tries again. I give her another push. More children come out and fight over the remaining two swings on the play ground.
"Push me! Push me!" they chorus and I push them in turns. Sunday school's out and I see Andrea Martin walking towards me, her family has come to this church for years and they still do not 'fit in' either. She helps me push the children on the swings and we talk. We talk about her family, her cousins, what they've been doing, she's an interesting person to talk to. I feel a bit guilty for having judged her at one point while I was still trying to fit in and hang with the popular group. After all, it's not the appearance that matters, it's what's inside.
And since I myself am not quite up to the 'popular peoples' standard of cool, I realize she's not that much different than me. I've always felt guilty when I let myself judge others, after all aren't I the one always preaching that you shouldn't judge people by their appearance? Practice what you preach!
As I get in the car later to go home, I feel empty, alone, aching. I've tried so hard to fit in here, tried to make friends and all I have is a bunch of children and a girl who isn't the 'norm'.
"You have a good day?" My sister asks me. I smile to cover how I'm feeling inside,
"Yeah." I lie. "Pretty good. You?" She nods and bubbles off about the girls. I listen, trying not to show how jealous I am that somehow she finds a way into the inner circle when I find only chained doors.
Since then, friendships have been put back together, I've 'found myself' so to speak and realized that I don't have to be like those girls to be cool. I don't need to 'fit in', if we all followed the same path, the world would get nowhere. I've learned to be thankful for individuality, I no longer need to feel their 'approval' or need to try to be them. I'm different and I'm happy to be that way, but there are still days I struggle with acceptance and feeling 'outside' and wondering 'why me?'
But being 'outside' has helped me to see some things I might have over looked before. Being an outsider has taught me to look out for the 'new people' or the people who don't fit in so well. Not to make fun of them for their difference, but to accept them how they are and take an interest in their lives and care about them. I hear someone make a comment about somebody's outfit or their hair, maybe their weight or face and I cringe inside, knowing how it feels to be the one picked apart.
Each one of us were created in His image and we shouldn't tear each other down, we are supposed to build each other up and accept and love each other, there is no one that is better than another, we were all created equal. If we are secure in where we stand with the world and with God, we shouldn't feel a need to tear someone else down to build ourselves up, and in tearing others down, we tear ourselves down as well.
So this Christmas season, remember, Jesus came for everyone! We are all precious in His sight and we all need to be loved and accepted, so reach out to someone who needs it! Show God's love to those around you, not by being the coolest one, but by loving like God loves us, with unprejudiced, unconditional love. Make somebody's Holidays and their year!
Remember;
I longingly watch a small group of girls my age, three of them are a bit older than me and two younger, one is my sister. I watch my ex-best friend, part of the group, and loneliness sweeps over me. It may be partly my fault that we're no longer friends, but it just feels hard to fit in!
We've been here for two years now and I still feel like an outsider, most of the people here have attended this church for years and are all like a big cliquish family, it's hard to feel a part of them. My mind comes back to the group of girls, I notice Anita and Londa are wearing matching, new red dresses. It feels so unfair!
They've always got the newest best styles. I try to copy them but my styles never look as neat and nice as theirs, I just don't fit in to this group!
Little Lola comes running to me and jolts me from my thoughts of self pity. She gives me her sweet little grin and my heart warms.
"'Side!" she smiles pointing a chubby baby finger at the door.
"Should we go outside?" I smile. She nods and giggles. I pick her up and we head outside. I greet the girls as I pass them, faking a smile.
The wind tousles Lola's hair and she smiles at me a smile of pure sweetness that I can't help returning, this little girl has a special place in my heart. I set her on the swing and push her.
"Is that too high?" I wonder she shakes her head clinging to the chains to stay on, still smiling, though a little less certain. I study her, her blondish brown hair, large hazel eyes, with long delicate lashes, that make it look like she's wearing loads of mascara. An innocent, trusting, cherub face. She kicks her feet at me and I dodge,
"You almost got me!" I say, she laughs and tries again. I give her another push. More children come out and fight over the remaining two swings on the play ground.
"Push me! Push me!" they chorus and I push them in turns. Sunday school's out and I see Andrea Martin walking towards me, her family has come to this church for years and they still do not 'fit in' either. She helps me push the children on the swings and we talk. We talk about her family, her cousins, what they've been doing, she's an interesting person to talk to. I feel a bit guilty for having judged her at one point while I was still trying to fit in and hang with the popular group. After all, it's not the appearance that matters, it's what's inside.
And since I myself am not quite up to the 'popular peoples' standard of cool, I realize she's not that much different than me. I've always felt guilty when I let myself judge others, after all aren't I the one always preaching that you shouldn't judge people by their appearance? Practice what you preach!
As I get in the car later to go home, I feel empty, alone, aching. I've tried so hard to fit in here, tried to make friends and all I have is a bunch of children and a girl who isn't the 'norm'.
"You have a good day?" My sister asks me. I smile to cover how I'm feeling inside,
"Yeah." I lie. "Pretty good. You?" She nods and bubbles off about the girls. I listen, trying not to show how jealous I am that somehow she finds a way into the inner circle when I find only chained doors.
_______________________________
Since then, friendships have been put back together, I've 'found myself' so to speak and realized that I don't have to be like those girls to be cool. I don't need to 'fit in', if we all followed the same path, the world would get nowhere. I've learned to be thankful for individuality, I no longer need to feel their 'approval' or need to try to be them. I'm different and I'm happy to be that way, but there are still days I struggle with acceptance and feeling 'outside' and wondering 'why me?'
But being 'outside' has helped me to see some things I might have over looked before. Being an outsider has taught me to look out for the 'new people' or the people who don't fit in so well. Not to make fun of them for their difference, but to accept them how they are and take an interest in their lives and care about them. I hear someone make a comment about somebody's outfit or their hair, maybe their weight or face and I cringe inside, knowing how it feels to be the one picked apart.
Each one of us were created in His image and we shouldn't tear each other down, we are supposed to build each other up and accept and love each other, there is no one that is better than another, we were all created equal. If we are secure in where we stand with the world and with God, we shouldn't feel a need to tear someone else down to build ourselves up, and in tearing others down, we tear ourselves down as well.
So this Christmas season, remember, Jesus came for everyone! We are all precious in His sight and we all need to be loved and accepted, so reach out to someone who needs it! Show God's love to those around you, not by being the coolest one, but by loving like God loves us, with unprejudiced, unconditional love. Make somebody's Holidays and their year!
Remember;
It is more blessed to give than to receive. - Acts 20:35
I have found that when I forget myself and reach out to someone else, they often make my day and it gives me a good feeling to know that I have touched someone else's life!
____________________________
NOTE: I realize looking back that there were people there that reached out to me and loved me, but I was too busy focusing on and trying to gain the acceptance of people that didn't care, to notice the people that did! And so I'd lumped them all together as one big bad group of people and in my bitterness I judged them in a way, and didn't really give them a chance. I have a lot of regrets from these few years about all the people I hurt, ignored or took fore-granted because of trying to make myself happy! Ignorantly and selfishly hurting people the way I was being hurt! I'm truly sorry! And I'm also thankful for the experiences God has given me and how they have helped me to have a deeper compassion and understanding for those around me that hurt I'm also very thankful for the friends that He has brought into my life and their understanding, patience and loyalty to me! =)
A Note to the Lonely: I know it's hard and it feels pointless and unfair, but I hope that you can trust God to do what's best and trust that He does have a purpose for bringing you through this! He will never leave you or forsake you! He loves you more than you can imagine and He will use this for good if you let Him! <3
Annie your writing is amazin' (and so are you) ! Super glad to have you as a friend and Sis. And like you said SUPER GLAD to have Jesus as my friend too! He's the BEST Friend one could EVER have! And He does have a purpose in our valleys of loneliness. Even when we feel like ducks out of water (and waddle like them too. ;) )He doesn't care if we do waddle and He's ALWAYS there! (In fact He gives us wings to fly! After all ducks aren't land birds! =) ) Thanks for sharing! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteNice illustration dear! ;) True tho! true!
ReplyDeletelol...not pretty I know...I know...
ReplyDelete